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Subtitles by Kachan
Ever had one of those nights that starts out like any another
but ends up being the best night of your life?
It was the June the 22th, 1990
Our final day of school
There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page,
Steven Prince, Andy Knightley and me
They called me "The King"
Because my name's Gary King
Ollie was funny
He fancied himself a bit of a player but
Really he was all maths
We called him "O-Man"...
...because he had a birth mark on forehead that looked like a 6
He loved it
Pete was the baby of the group
He wasn't the kind of kid we usually hang out with but he was good for a laugh
And he was absolutely minted
Steve was a pretty cool guy
We jammed together, chased the girls...
I think he saw us as rivals
Sweet, really
And Andy
Andy was my wing man
The one man I could rely on to back me up
He loved me and I'm not being funny but...
I loved him too
There was nothing we were gonna miss about school
Maybe Mr Shepherd
He was definitely one of the good guys
He used to ask what I wanted to do with my life
I told him that just wanted to have a good time
He thought that was funny
It wasn't meant to be
Not that night
Newton Haven was our hometown
Our playground, our universe
And that night it was the site of an heroic quest
The aim?
To conquer the Golden Mile
Twelve pubs along the legendary path of alchoholic indulgence
There was The First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock...
...The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant...
...The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid...
...The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall...
All before reaching our destiny
The World's End
We took my car into town
I called it the Beast 'cause she was pretty hairy
And so, our journey into manhood began
We were off
We didn't waste any time
We hit pub #1 and we hit it hard
There was drinking, there was fun...
...there was controversy, there were ladies, there was shots...
...there was drama and of course...
...there was drinking
By pub #5, we were feeling invicible
And decided to purchase some herbal refreshment...
...from a man we called "The Reverend Green"
Pint #6 put O-Man out of commission
So we carried on without him
Good thing, I bumped into his sister at the next pub
We went into the disabled and I bumped into her again
Sam tagged along for a while but...
...then I had to let her go
I had another date that night
And her name was Amber
Nine pints in and it was us against the world
Things got mental in the Beehive so we repaired to the Ball's Club
Or as we liked to call it "The Smoke House"
Which is when it all went fuck up
Everyone got paranoid and Pete chucked a whitey so we had to bench him
In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed for the hills
I remember sitting out there
With blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes
Seeing the orange glow of a new dawn breaking...
...knowing in my heart life would never feel this good again
And you know what?
It never did
Thank you, Gary
It was uh... enlightening
Would anyone like to add anything?
Or maybe challenge Gary?
You disappointed?
About what?
You didn't make it to The World's End
No
Just what is it that you want to do?
We want to be free
We want to be free to do what we want to do
And we want to get loaded
And we want to have a good time
And that's we're gonna do
We're gonna have a good time
We're gonna have a party
She's a beauty
Yeah
But she's no Beast
Hello, Peter
Jesus
Gary!
The once and future king
Were you at my house this morning?
No.
I could have swore I saw you on my street
I never been to Bishop's Gardens
How you're doing, man?
I'm well, you?
Yeah, never better
-How's uh.. -Vanessa?
-No, your wife -Vanessa?
Yeah, how is she?
She's good
Have you had sex yet?
We have two children
Oooh, twice!
Look at you, fuckmachine!
We haven't changed, have we?
What's he doing here?
-It's alright, dad, we're fine -Hi, Mr P
So Gary, how can I help you?
He looks well
Are you looking to buy a car?
Uh, no
I'm afraid the end is nigh
What?
The World's End!
What do you mean?
You know what I mean!
One night, five men, twelve pubs
Let battle commence!
You want to try that again?
Yeah! Isn't it something you always wanted?
Not particularly, no
Look, Peter
We didn't make it before
But this time, we're going to see it through to the bitter end...
...or lager end
We?
Yeah! The whole gang!
Even Andy?
Why wouldn't Andy be coming?
Well, I thought that after the accident...
Not an issue
He's in
What we want to know is...
are you?
Well, i'd have to check with Vanessa
Who's Vanessa?
My wife!
Since when do you have to check with your wife?
Since we got married
Oh come on! Don't you miss it?
The laughs, the comradery...
...the fights...
...the hangovers so fierce, it feels like your head's full of ants!
Maybe the first two
It begins
What's your new number?
The same I had for ten years
Yeah, what's that one?
This entire row here, they'll have dormer windows above the front elevation
Who's the helmet without an helmet?
It's Gary King
Knock, knock!
What are you doing here, Gary?
You're supposed to say "Who's There?"
I can see who's there
It's you
I love what you've done with the place
Bit drafty
How's Selena?
We divorced ten years ago
Yeah, I know, just wondered how she was
She's doing very well, apparently
You got anyone else on the go?
Yeah, I do as it happens
She's a fitness instructor
26
Pedophile!
I'm kidding
-I'd love to meet her sometime -No
Why are you here?
Haven't you heard?
We're getting the band back together
Not your bass player anymore
I mean, we're getting the boys back together
We can get the band back together as well if you want
No, we can't
You sold my guitar to buy drugs
I've always wondered...
... what is that thing over the door called?
That's a lintel
So! The plan is...
...we're gonna go back to Newton Heaven
We're gonna do the Golden Mile and this time...
...we're gonna make it to The World's End
Everybody's in
What, even Andy?
Oh, you better believe it, big boss
Andy is going drinking with you?
With us
Think about it
Go back to the old times
-Sink a few pints -Twelves pints
Yeah
Twelve pints is insane
Uh uh, I know
What's this all about, Gary?
It's about closure
You know?
Why should getting older affect something as important as friendship?
A lot has changed since then, Oliver
Right
This is our chance to take stock
Oh, a stock take
You make it sound so much fun
Come on, O-Man, isn't it something you'd like?
What I'd really like is you to take your DMs of the sofa
Look
If you're worried about me, don't be, alright?
I am here to tell you that Gary King is back on the horse
You...
You're back on the horse?
No, I mean, I'm back on the bike
What bike?
What do you mean?
What's the bike stand for?
Bicycle
I'm lost
Don't be
Okay
Listen
This is our chance to finally finish what we started
Come on man, it will be fucking mental!
Ah, uh...
I think we're all done so...
Well, how... how do you like the property?
Yeah, it's amazing
Amazing location
Fantastic
Fantastic aspects
It's just a little bit out of our price range
He'll knock some off for you
Well...
What's it on for?
1.2 million
Fuck off!
You have my card
Gary!
Wtf?
Good to see you too, O-Man
Please, don't call me "O-Man"
Sure
Hey, how's your sister?
She's fine
She talks about me?
No!
So friday, we're all going head together, make a road trip of it
I'll drive
No, I don't think I can
I think I got a doctor's appointement
Yeah you do!
With Dr Ink!
You know, Doctor....
Yeah, "Dr-ink" I get it!
Come on!
It won't be the same without the O-Man?
See the guys
See how they're doing
Tell them how you're doing
You never know
You might make it to the end this time
Andy is... definitely coming?
Yeah!
Andy Knightley
Tots!
And you convinced him how?
Mr Knightley?
Felicity
You have a friend here to see you
No, I don't
'Tis a bit grown-up, isn't it?
Yep
I saw the boys the other day
Uh uh?
O-Man
Stevie-baby
Uh-the-Pete-a-tron
Yeah, I remember the names of our childhood friends, Gary
We had ourselves ... a little idea
Did you, now?
Yeah, we're gonna go back to Newton Heaven
Why?
For some unfinished business...?
That's a joke, right?
Five guys, twelve pubs, fifty pints!
Sixty pints
Steady on, you fucking alky!
I haven't had a drink for 16 years, Gary
You must be thirsty then
We can go back, see the guys, chew the fat...
...and it will just like it always was, except this time...
we're gonna finish this thing once and for all
You have a very selective memory, Gary
Thanks!
You remember the friday nights
I remember the monday mornings
Yeah, that's why we're going back on a friday!
I didn't even know there was a living Newton Heaven anymore
Because it is a black hole
It's boring
It always was and it always will be
It's only boring 'cause we're not there
It's pointless arguing with you
Exactly!
So, come
I'm picking everybody up from High Wycombe Station, friday 3 o'clock
Sharp
No, Gary
Oh god, why? Have you got to chat with your missus?
No, actually
I don't have to chat with my missus
What are you doing?
I'm showing you the door
Is it a door?
Only it doesn't have a lintel
And it's glass
So is it a window, or is it a door?
Maybe it's a ... windoor
Get up that
Please leave, Gary
Alright
Six hundred, wasn't it?
Oh, uh...
I thought you should know
What?
Mum died
When?
Couple of weeks ago
The big...cancer
I'm sorry
She used to really like you, you know?
Got me thinking about the old days
Particularly that night, you know? 'Cause we were so happy
And, you know...
I love the boys like brothers
But, uh, when all is said and done...
You're the best friend I ever had
It was good to see you, mate
Pete!
Steven!
Oh, god
I had a horrible feeling I was going to be the only one here
I reckon that's not the last horrible feeling you're gonna have today, mate
This can't be happening, can't it?
You've said it. What the hell are we doing here?
What we always did
Follow Gary King into almost certain oblivion
Hello, Steven
Hi, mate
Pete, hi mate
Didn't we decide to stop calling "fearless leader" somewhere in 1992?
Old habits die hard
They'll be putting that on Gary's tombstone
No they won't, you know he'll outlive us all
That would be funny if it wasn't true
Hang on a sec
What?
So, I'm just gonna decide which of us is the biggest idiot for coming
Maybe he had an accident
Oh, sorry Andy
Sorry
No, no, it's fine
I think Gary having an accident would actually be the best outcome for all of us
Including Gary
Unbelivable
Oh yes!
Look at these cunts
You're late
No, I'm not
Yeah you are. You said 3, it's almost 4
Yeah, 3 to 4
You know your problem, Gary? You're never wrong
How's that a problem?
I can't believe you bought another Granada Mark II
What do you mean?
Well, this looks exactly like the car I sold you in 1989
This is the car you sold me in 1989
Best three hundred quid I ever spent
This is the Beast?
Yeah
Pretty much
Well, she's had a bit of work done to replace the uh...
breaks, suspension, exhaust, seats...
wheels, panneling, carburetor, manifold
All engine, really
Mirrors, headlamps. Other than that...
She's the same old motor
You could almost say an antique
Well, let's get this antique...on the road show!
Come here, bell-ends, we're gonna be late!
And we're back
Just like the Five Musketeers
Three Musketeers, isn't it?
Four, if you count D'Artagnan
Well nobody knows how many they were really, do they, Pete?
I mean, history is a sketchbook
You do know that "The Three Musketeers" is a fiction, right?
Written by Alexander Dumas
A lot of people are saying that about The Bible these days
What? That it was written by Alexander Dumas?
Don't be daft, Steve!
It was written by Jesus
Anyway, five sounds much better
I think they missed a trick only having three
'Cause if they had five, two could have died and they'd still have three left
Are we there yet?
Let's... DO THIS!
Soup Dragons
I remember this one
Hey, I put this on a tape for you, didn't I?
Yeah, this is it!
This is the tape?
Yeah, yeah, look!
Where did you find it?
It was in the tape player
Oh, look!
Is anyone hungry?
[all] No
I need to piss, actually
This is a long piss
If it is a piss
Might be a little...
Poo?
How is it a poo?
Still work for your old man, Pete?
Yeah
I'm a partner now
You?
I started my own firm in '98
Got bought out in '05
I'm happier, though. Less stressed
O?
Property
I own a boutique Estate Agency in [...] very competitive
Is it family law you're in, Andy?
Corporate
Does anyone knows what's Gary doing?
He's playing Need for Speed over there
Hasn't changed, has he?
I don't know
He did finally pay me back that 600 quid
Really?
He borrowed 200 off me
And me
I can't believe him!
I can't believe you'd do that!
Of course I can
It's just robbing Peter to pay Paul
No, I borrowed from Peter to pay you
I still owe Paul
Oh shit!
Newton Heaven!
Take a moment to look upon it in its original colors, boys
For tonight, we can paint it red
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Shit
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, ...
Oh no, it's okay, I did it all in the services
Know why I pulled over you, sir?
Was the music too loud?
Your left brake light is faulty
The old break lights!
So called because they're always breaking
I'll get that sorted out, officer
Can I see your license, sir?
Yep
You know what? It's in my wallet
And I left that at the bloody gym
Any other form of identification?
No
It's all in my sport's bag
It's bloody typical, isn't it?
I give you my name and address
You can run me through the old system?
Go on, then
Yeah
Peter Page
48, Bishop's Garden, London, N2 T12
Jesus, Gary! Wtf?
Why did you give him my name?
I'm not going to give him my name, am I?
Suppose I get done by the police?
You won't get done by the police
Gary! He'll check the number plate against his name
I know! Why do you think I gave him Pete's name?
Jesus Christ, Gary, I own a car shop, I am a junior partner....
So, Mr Page
What brings you in Newton Heaven?
Well, we're all from here
We're just back to see the sights
Have a crack at the old Golden Mile
Might get a bit messy
Well, you make sure you get that brake light fixed
Then, you might want to do an inebriation test too
Oh, and Peter...
Don't make too much mess
We won't
I don't understand
It's simple, Pete
The car still registers to you and has been since 1989
But I moved three times since then
I know, I changed the logbook
Where do you think all these points came from?
Jesus, you guys need to relax
Do you know how much trouble you can get into?
Do you know how much trouble i'm already in?
What's that supposed to mean?
Hey
What the hell is this?
Why are we even here?
We are here to get annihilated
Have you got any plans for dinner at all?
Tonight...
we will be partaking of a liquid repast...
as we wind our way up on the Golden Mile
Commencing by an inaugural tankard in the First Post
Then unto the Old Familiar, the Famous Cock, The Cross Hands...
The Good Companions, The Trusted Servant, The Two Headed Dog...
The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head...
and the Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same
All before the last bitter-sweet pint...
in that most fateful terminus: The World's End
Leave a light on, good lady
For though we return with a twinkle in our eyes...
We will in truth be blind...
...drunk!
Come on!
Until 1840...
Ah, fucking hell
...this building was the site of Newton Heaven's first post office
Until an enterprising business fellow decided...
that far from befitting the sending and receiving of mail
It was perhaps better suited as an humble taproom...
where weary travelers might get swatted
Come on!
It's like déjà vu
I don't remember this, has it been refurbished?
Been bought by a chain, I think
Part of that nationwide initiative to...
rob small charming pubs of any discernable character
Starbucking, man. It's happening everywhere
Can't take away the smell, though
I'm sure they tried
Good evening, Raymondo!
The prodigal sons return
Eh?
Who's on the guest list tonight?
Come again?
The guest ales
We, sir, are doing the Golden Mile and you...
have the honor of drawing first blood
What do you recommend?
There's one
It's "Crowning Glory"
Rather fitting
How's that?
I'm Gary King
What?
So, tell me more
About what?
Crowning Glory
Is it nutty, is foamy, is it hoppy...
does it have a surprisingly fruity note which lingers on the tongue?
It's beer
We'll have five of those, please
No, sorry
Can we have four of those and a tap water, please?
What?
I don't believe this
A man of your legendary prowess drinking...
fucking rain
It's like seeing a lion eating some houmous
Doesn't make any sense
No, it doesn't make any sense
You seriously have a problem with me not drinking after what happened?
I don't
But King Arthur does
Oh, this will be good
What's King Arthur got to do with it?
Do you honestly think that King Arthur came back from the Battle of Hastings...
fucking rocked up to Arthur's Castle...
Camelot
walked up to the bar and went...
"Hello! Can I have a tap water?"
No, 'cause they didn't have running water in Arthurian times
Exactly! He would had a mead
The King Arthur of beers
I'm less of a man because I choose to drink water?
Well, it's a bit "ooh, ducky!~", isn't it?
It's not very PC, Gary
Get out of the 90's, Pete!
There's is nothing all "ooh ducky" about being teetotal
After walking in a pub after a rugby match...
and ordering a tap water in a bar...
packed full of ugly bastards wearing warpaint
That my friend takes confidence, yeah?
I'm talking balls
You said it, poof!
I don't know if you're aware of this, Gary
But we are not teenagers anymore
And, God forbid you have everchildren...
I have kids
Then you better be ready to take responsability
No, I mean, I might have kids
You remember Karen Atkinson who I...
fucked?
She was two weeks late when her parents emigrated to Normandy
I never heard from her again
She might had a baby
Imagine that
A french kid
It's pointless arguing with you
To kids...
wherever they may be!
Kids
Drink up
Let's boo-boo
"Boo boo", what is that?
You remember "let's boo boo"?
You know, from Mr Shepard's classroom...
It said on the wall "Exit, pursued by a bear"...
you know, from that Shakespeare play?
"A Winter's Tale"
Yeah, what is it called?
"A Winter's Tale"
That's it
And if we needed to do a quick getaway, we'd say...
"Exit, pursued by a bear"
And it was "Exit, pursued by Yogi Bear"
And then, it was just "Let's Yogi and Boo-Boo"
And then "Let's boo-boo"
So, you're saying we should go?
Yeah, shitty here, isn't?
"The Old Familiar"
Now, this...
is a pub
Oh yes, this is more like it!
Like, déjà vu
David, my man!
Have you heard the news?
Gary King is back in town
Who's he?
How was the funeral, Gary?
Your mum's funeral?
It's difficult to put into words
But, if I had to choose three...
I would say...
Really
Really, sad
Oh, no, that's two, isn't it?
How about...
really, very sad
It's a shame
She was a good woman
I really liked your mum
Me too, mate
Me too
Hello?
Hello, mate
Are you, here?
Yeah, been here for ages, what are you telling me...
Yeah, lost on the ring road again?
This is Newton Heaven
What time are you meeting the twins?
The twins?
We're all at "The Old Familiar", come by if you want
Yeah
He is
Okay
See you soon
Who's that, O-Man?
Don't... call me "O-Man"
Gary, if you must know...
it was Sam
Sam's here?
Is there a fucking echo in here?
Yes, Sam's here
She's down from Manchester driving to mum's tomorrow
What, she's coming here?
Calm down Steve, I saw her first
Jesus Christ, not this again!
Are you fucking kidding me?
I saw her first
Wow, you really have a selective memory, don't you?
Somebody else was saying that
Me!
No, I would have remembered
I told you I had a thing about Sam and you proceeded...
to try to get into her pants at every opportunity
Guys, please...
You only liked her after you found out I liked her
That's right!
Because you did the school play
Cabaret
Cabaret!
Because she was in it and she wore those fishnet stockings
and you got a big boner on stage!
Jesus Christ!
It doesn't matter anyway
She always had a massive wide-on for Adrian Keane
I hate that prick
Can we not...
talk about my sister...
in relation to...
A) Massive wide-ons
B) Steven's erected penis
Alright
Is she still fit, though?
I'm not answering that
Is she, though?
Am I what?
Fit
Hello, Sam
Steven, wow!
You've grown, have you?
Yes, sideways
You look fantastic
Steroids
Andy!
Wow, long time
Hi, Pete
Hi, Sam
Oh hey, big brother
Gary.
Willkommen
Bienvenue
Welcome
Sam, would you like a drink?
Hey, Steve, she just got here, come on!
Sam, would you like a drink?
I'd like a vodka tonic, thanks Steven
Just gotta nip to the loo
Cool
Nature calls
What are you doing?
I'm going to the toilet
Well then, so am I
Gary, you are out of your mind
What are you talking about? You gave me the sign
What sigh?
You went to the toilet
Gary, are you serious? I haven't seen you in 20 years
Do you really think I'm going to have sex with you in the ladies toilet?
Well, the disabled are out of order
Gary, what happened?
I don't know?
Maybe one of them put too many paper towels down the toilet
I mean, we don't know what they're thinking really, do we?
No
What happened to you?
Nothing
Nothing happened to me, I'm same old Gary
No shit
So, do you wanna?
Oliver?
I'll see you later
You're going?
I thought you weren't meeting the twins for another half-hour
I'm not
Oh yeah, I believe this is yours
"Out of order"
Private joke
I don't want to know
What is that?
Modern art
Memorial, isn't i?
Yeah, to modern art
Hey guys, do you know what time it is?
It's not even six
Wrong!
It's high time we go on to... The Cock!
Let's go!
Come on
When you're ready, mate
Oh shit, look who it is!
Basil
Mad Basil!
Do you remember when we used to come in here and listen to him talk about...
fucking UFO, and lizard-people and underwater Nazis?
And some bullshit about how the Bermuda Triangle should be in a square
No, he said it was two isosceles triangles forming a rhombus
He was your best mate, wasn't he, Steve?
No, he wasn't my best mate, Gary
He was a lonely old guy and I felt sorry for him
That's right
Basil!
Maybe we aren't the local legends you think we are
Gary King
Speak for yourself, mate
You're barred
I cannot fucking believe this
This is ridiculous
Leave it, Gary, it's not worth it
Have two in the next one
Have all in the next one, for all I care
We gotta have one in every pub or everything's fucked
I'll say it was fairly fucked already, mate
Right
How much of this do we have to endure?
That was #3, there's 9 more
Oh, good
I need to eat something
We could get some food in the next pub
As long as it's reasonably healthy
This is Newton Heaven
Hardly the heart of the organic revolution
I doubt it's the heart of anything
My wife wanted us to go organic
The problem is I kinda like eating shit
The next pub does shit, keep up!
Oh yeah, I remember this one
We had New Year in here, didn't we?
'89 to '90
Isn't that where you slept on the pool table, Andy?
Yeah, I believe it was
Yeah for six hours
Six hours!
Thank you, flambée sambu
Oh yeah
Especially when you woke up, we said you've been asleep for a year...
and that i was 1991 and you freaked out and punched a clock
That was a great night
And you managed to get off with Erika Leekes, Peter
Yes, I did, something of a personal triumph...
if I say so myself
She of the Marmalade Sandwich fame?
The Marmalade Sandwich
The very same
Erika Leeks, Tracy Benson, Becky Salt
Two blonds and a redhead in the middle
The Marmalade Sandwich!
Becky Salt, fucking hell
I wonder what they're doing now?
Why don't you ask?
What do you mean?
I mean, sitting at that table over there are two blonds
...and a redhead in the middle
Shut the fuck up!
Erika Leekes on the left...
Tracy Benson on the right...
by process of elemination, that's Becky Salt in the middle
And that's the Marmalade Sandwich all grown-up
That is very spooky
We should get them over
Leave the past where it is
It's bad enough I've gotta look at your old ugly mugs
You make it sound like we're fucking ancient
We haven't changed that much
I mean, sure Steve let himself go a bit
What?
Pete still has the same haircut
And Oliver still has his mark of the devil
No, he hasn't
No, he hasn't, it's called laser surgery, Gary
It's a small price to pay to not be called fucking "O-Man"
And that works for Sisters of Mercy tattoos as well
I still like the Sisters of Mercy
Good job or you never go swimming
I'm lost
Don't be
Well I, for one, thinks it's nice to see your faces again
Cheers, mate
Excuse me, this taken?
Is the seat taken?
Have it, mate
Thanks
Wasn't that...
Shane Hawkins
Hey, didn't he...
Yes, he did
Hang on, who is Shane Hawkins again?
I'd rather not bring it all up again
If that's okay
Hey, listen, Pete...
Bottling up past trauma can lead to inedequate coping strategies in later life
Apparently
No, I don't know. I mean, it's not even about the past
It's not about the fact that he bullied me
That he made me miss more school days than chicken pox
It's not even that he forced me to spend entire lessons...
hiding in a toilet cubicle
Or that he punched me so hard he dislodged my eyeball
It's not even that he ruined a large portion of my childhood
No, it's the fact that just then...
he didn't recognize me
He looked straight through me
Like it all meant nothing
And that probably sounds weird, isn't it?
Shots!
S-H-O-T-S!
Shots!
What are you doing, Gary?
I thought that was obvious, shots
Firstly, Peter was talking about something...
which clearly made him feel very uncomfortable
That's alright, Andy
No, Peter, it's not alright
Secondly, twelve pints is more than enough
And thirdly, I don't fucking drink
But shots don't count, do they?
You said you wanted to catch up and chew the fat
I think you just wanted to drink here
We're not here as your friends
We're just your fucking enablers
Enablers? It's a funny word, isn't?
Enabler
Gary King and the enablers
It's a good name for a band, Steve, write that down
Don't do it, Garry Gary
Oh, is that a thing now, is it?
It's always been a thing
You don't need us to help you get fucked up
You've done a perfectly good job so far on your own
I am going to go and see if there is a bus back to London...
if anyone wants to come with me
But you can't go!
This is special
This is our anniversary
It's not the anniversary, Gary
We did this in June, it's October
But, it's the anniversary of the year, isn't?
Every year is the anniversary of a year
It is not the same anymore, Gary!
And it's not that the town's changed, we have changed!
Yeah well...
You can't go, 'cause the buses are finished
Then I'm going back to the B&B
You coming?
I could do an early one, actually
I should probably go and find Sam
Yeah, I'm gonna go and find Sam with Oliver
That's settled then, yeah?
You know what I think?
I think you're jealous
Yeah you've got your...
houses and your cars and your wives and your job security
You know what I have?
Freedom
You're all slaves
And I'm free to do what I want
Any old time
And this is what you want?
You should grow up, mate
Join society
Yeah, well...
Mum died
And we're all very sorry
But now it's time to go home
I thought we were home
I can't help feeling sorry for him
Don't
Oh, fuck!
Piss!
Fuck!
Careful
Floor's a bit pissy
Wasn't me
That was me
Did that back in 90's
1990
Punched the shit out of the wall
I don't know why
Seemed important at the time
You guys look like you're having a great night, though
I'm doing the Golden Mile tonight
Tag along
It will be like the six musketeers
I said we're doing the Golden Mile!
You think you're so cool, don't you?
We were cooler
We owned this town
Paved the way for you lot
Blazed a trail
Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you
Please, don't
Don't what?
You don't want to do that
Oh, don't I?
What?
I'm gonna kill him
You need to explain this, right now
Andy, this kid just attacked...
Don't you dare change the subject!
He smashed my head in the mirror
So you know who I just spoke to? Your mum
And not from the afterlife
From fucking Bournemouth
Is that real?
She said she hadn't spoke to you for 8 months
Andy
His head just came off!
No, Gary, you're not going to wriggle out of it this time
W....t....f?
Oh shit
Get off! Get off me!
There's someone in here!
Gary!
Hey!
Andy, did you see...
W...tf, Gary?
Wtf
What the fuck does wtf means?
What the fuck?
Oh yeah!
This cannot be happening, can it?
You said it, mate
I can't believe it
I know, mate
I can't believe you lied about your mum
That was a white lie
How is that a white lie?
She's not dead, is she?
"Not dead"?
Wait, wait, wait, where are you doing?
To get help
Dont, don't don't do that!
What, don't get help?
We don't know how far this goes
Wait, who are you calling?
Vanessa
Who's Vanessa?
My wife
Why are you calling your wife?
Because she's my wife
You said we don't know how far this goes
I was just thinking about the pub
Oh, there's a surprise
I can't get through
If you get through to Sam...
I got 4 bars and I'm not getting through
Must be the network
Holy shit!
This is all connected!
This explains why everything has gone fucked up!
Everyone has been replaced by one of these
That's why no one recognized us!
Basil, Dave, Raymondo...
I thought it was weird
Shane Hawinks!
Exactly!
It's not us that's changed, it's the town
I'm right, ain't it, Andy?
Andy, am I right?
You're never wrong
Look, whatever the fuck is happening, we can't stay in the gents' forever
Ten people have entered these toilets in the last five minutes
Not a single one has come back out again
That's going to look suspicious
Gay loving
And that's worse than five dismembered bodies?
This is Newton Heaven
How does it look?
Normal
Very normal
I don't like it
What do we do?
Let's finish our drinks
I say we neck these and get the fuck out of here
To London?
To The Trusty Servant
Are you fucking kidding?
Oh yeah
It's The Good Companions next
I always mix those two up
Are you saying we move on to the next pub?
Fuck, we should get back in The Beast and head back to London
My brake light is broken
So, don't you use the brakes
I'm way over the limit
When's that ever stopped you?
I don't when to burn any more points on Pete's license
Andy can drive
He's teetotal
That's settles it then
The last thing we need to do is get pulled over by the police
A) We're all drunk
B) They might be in it
And C) We got blood on our hands
It's more like ink
We got ink on our hands
So, has it got messy yet?
What?
What are you, five pubs in?
Four
Ah, not even halfway
Plenty more fun to be had
Enjoy your night, Peter
Thank you
Sorry
The way I see it, we told everybody we're doing the Golden Mile
You did
If we suddenly jump in The Beast now and head for the hills...
They're gonna know that we know
If we keep going where we're going and doing what we're doing
Then, they're not gonna know
Know what?
That we know
I suggest we finish what we started and leave quietly in the morning
Wait, what are you suggesting...?
We finish the Golden Mile
It's pointless arguing with him
Drink up
Let's boo-boo
We're just five friends
On a night out
Having a good time
Drinking
Beer
Pubs
Shall we?
I feel a little uncomfortable drinking this much
No, man, it's like Dutch courage, isn't it?
You know, when the british soliders used to drink dutch gin...
before battle to give them super strenght
I thought it was to numb their sense of impending doom
Exactly!
We're just five friends, on a night out, having a good time
I need the toilet
Go on, then, you're earned it
You're doing really good, Oliver
He didn't make this far last time
I'm proud of him
You're enjoying this, are you?
Yeah, five guys on a night out, having a great time
Pretending to have a great time
Are you pretending?
If we get out of here alive, I'm gonna kill you
We're still in the dark here
Gary
Our families could be in danger for all we know
I know
This mum could be dead
For reals this time
Hey, why don't we just ask somebody?
Who?
The Reverend Green
Come on
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm gonna go and have a little chat with the Reverend Green
You're gonna buy drugs?
I'm gonna go over there...
and subtly check if that is the Reverend Green
And if it is, I can ask him what's doing on
Possibly buy some drugs
What if he's one of them?
Me and the Reverend had a highly sophisticated code...
when discussing the purchase of herbal narcotics
If he doesn't understand me...
It means he's one of them
And I will simply walk away
Have you got any drugs?
I don't do that anymore, Gary
Do what?
That
So, we're in a suit, is it?
'Cause drug dealing is not good enough for you
There are no drug dealers anymore, Gary
I got a proper job and a proper office
You had a proper office
That was the gents toilets
Nothing wrong with doing your business in the toilet
Look, a lot has changed since you have left
I know
What do them know?
Little
How many is a little?
Town's been taken over with robots full of blue stuff
Keep your voice down, you don't even know what you're talking about
Tell us then
Well they're not robots
Do you even know what robots means?
Of course I do!
It's like...
"Hello-I-am-a-robot"
It means "slave"
Believe me, they're not slaves
Are you their prisoner?
No, I'm very happy
Tell your face!
What's going on?
The town's been invaded by robots who aren't robots...
and the Rev's their prisoner
I'm not
We leave first thing, we can get you out of here
I'm not going
It's not what you think, this is for all our benefit
You've said too much, Trevor
Yeah, put a cork in it, Trevor
Just trying to help
It's not your place to help
They will have everything in hand
Are you guys robots?
Well, the word "robot" actually comes from a czech word...
robotník
Meaning "slave"
And we're not slaves
We're very, very happy
And not robots
Oh god, are these guys robots?
Shup up about robots!
I say we shut up about everything!
Calling for Trevor, please
Trevor?
It's your supervisor
Hello, Trevor
Hello, sir
But...
I understand
Thanks a bunch
What did I miss?
Your friends trying to help
We don't need your help
Well, what should we do?
I suggest you get on your way
I think we should do what he says
Okay
Five more, coming up
Here we go
Come on!
Gary...
Gary!
Let's just get in and out of this one, yeah?
No more making new friends
Ah gentlemen!
The prodigal sons return
What will it be? One of our guest ale, perchance?
Might I recommend five pints of Crowning Glory?
Rather fitting, wouldn't you say, Gary?
What... sorry, what?
It's a delightful brew
Hoppy, nutty, foamy
Does it have a surprisingly fruity note that lingers on the tongue?
You're obviously a connoisseur
Then, you already know that it's a rare treat
For rogues, reverends, royalty and all good folks between
Five of those, please
Welcome home, boys
I don't remember him being that friendly
He is obviously one of them
How can it be that he remembered me?
We don't know what they remember
Maybe they have selective memories
Yeah, like what's-his-name?
Me!
Maybe he's one of the others like the reverend
It's very hard to tell, innit?
Yeah, well he is one of them, or is he one of them?
Wait, wait, which one is them again?
Both "them", aren't they? But there's two way of saying it
Is he one of them?
Or is he one of them?
We need different terms
One for people that aren't robots
And one for robots who aren't robots
Alright
We need to be able to differenciate between them, them and us
Yeah, I think the pronous are really confusing
I don't even know what a pronoun is
It's a word that can function by itself as a noun...
which refer to something else in the discourse
I don't get it
You just used one
Did I?
Yeah "it" is a pronoun
What is?
"It"!
Is it?
Christ!
We just need to two fucking words so we can identify who's who
He's a blank
She's a blank
Those two people are definitely blanks
Sam
Got this, Steven
How is your night going?
Good
Sortof
What do you mean, sort of?
Well, it's weird isn't it?
You come back, and everything is the same, but
Sort of different
Different how?
Just weird
How weird?
What are you getting at, Gary?
Come with me!
For fuck's sake, Gary, take a hint!
It's alright, I'm not trying to have sex with you.
Why are we in the disabled toilets then?
There's something I need to tell you right now
Unless you do want to have sex, in which case I'll tell you afterwards
Tell me right now
Have you noticed anything creepy about the twins, apart from the fact that they're twins?
Just because they're twins doesn't automatically make them creepy
It does a little bit
You had sex with them
A : I did not and
B: how did you know about that?
A: it's a small town
B: I'm not stupid
and C: they told me
Right, well, I did. Once. But I was wasted.
Which was creepy 'cause it was like there was four of them
I'm not proud of it
I am a bit
Is this what you wanted to tell me?
No, this is
You okay, Sam?
I need a cigarette.
No-bots
How about faux-bots?
I don't think we should get away from the whole robots thing
Steven?
What's he up to?
Oh don't worry he's probably just trying to fuck Oliver's sister
Andy!
Oh my god that man is full of shit
I know that's not a surprise to you
What did he say, Sam?
He said that Newton Haven has been taken over by robots
Full of blue stuff
And, if we don't do what they say, they'll make us their prisoners!
Did you believe him?
No, of course not!
Did you believe him?
What?
See?
Come on Sam, you know better to believe Gary King
Oh crumps!
Sam!
Trade us a ciggy?
Gary, what's happening?
I told you in the disabled's
Oh, yes, you did
We should get inside, eh?
Otherwise people are gonna ask what the hell's going on
What the hell's going on?
Steve, I've got this
-Got what? -Sam
He's not good enough for you
What?
We have been through some crazy shit tonight
And it's really put things in perspective for me
And if everything is as fucked up as it seems...
then there's something I need to tell you
You might think this is because I've had seven pints but it's not
It's not
I'm in love with you, Sam
I always have been
And it breaks my heart to see you waste your affections on Gary fucking King!
Hey, that's a bit harsh!
Oh no you've got it all wrong
There is nothing between me and...
....and while I'm being honest
Just to lay it all out there
I am currently seeing a fitness instructor
She's 26 years old
But I would drop her in a heartbeat
If it meant that I had one last chance with you
Steven, there is nothing between me and Gary King
Oh fuck
Sorry
Hey! Get your feet of her!
Yes!
Rip its head off!
Rip its head off like an aspirin bottle!
Blue-blots
Nothing suggested in the last three minutes has been better than smashy smashy eggmen
No-nothing
The hell is going on?
Did you guys think of a name for the robots who aren't robots?
I'm afraid we've drawn a blank
Well we just had a barney with two blanks in the beer garden
We have to leave now
agreed
Let's hit the mermaid
Wait, what?
Number eight
Number eight?
Oh, fuck
Andy, what's happening?
Gary thinks we should keep up with the crawl
Because they know what we're doing...
but they don't know that we know what they're doing...
and basically, no one else has a better idea
So fuck it
What?
Wait!
Guys, guys
I've got a better idea, I'm parked right around here somewhere
Follow me, just go, Steven, tell them!
Gary said they'll get us if we try and leave now
We're way past leaving now
Come on!
Oh yeah!
This is where the kids went
This is a bit mad isn't it?
This is perfect we can hide out here
I'll get the drinks
Good plan, old man!
Hey, keep an eye out for blanks
You got it
Why didn't you say anything?
About what?
About what you said in the garden
I've always wanted to, it just never seemed like the right moment
Something always got in the way
There you go! Get there down, yeah?
Thanks?
Steven?
Please, I have so much to live for
It's me, you numpty
Basil!
I knew seeing your faces again would spell trouble
Wait, how do I know it's really you?
Because I'm the only one who's going to tell you the truth about Newton Haven
Now, do you recall the events of the evening of June the 22nd 1990?
No, but I know a man who does
There you go
Hey!
See anyone we know?
The Marmalade Sandwich!
They look good!
It's the lights
It's the drink
Who cares what it is?
Steven?
That was the night they arrived
Remember the shooting star?
That was them! Nothing happened at first, they were getting ready...
burrowing in underground, preparing
Not long after you lot left, people started to change
One or two at first, then more
They replaced people of influence, taking over the institutions
Remaking, remodeling, refurbishing.
Doing everything they could to make us join them
I can't find Steven
Where are the others?
They're blending in
Oh crumps
It's not like the replacements were evil, far from it
People got a lot friendlier!
That's how they do it
It's not an invasion, it's immersion
They don't want to get rid of us, not if they can help it
They just want to make us more like them
Change the way we think, bring us into line with all the others
Become another link in their chain
Which is fine, unless you say no
That's when you get replaced! Once they've got your DNA, they've got you
How do they do that?
Any way they like : blood tests, [...], sweat, kissing, saliva on the rim of a glass
Why do you think I drink with this crazy straw?
Not so crazy now, is it?
If you're not on their side, they'll create a version that is!
they can bring you back exactly the same, or even make you young again
it looks like you, it even has your memories. But really, it's just a vessel to spread their message
Trust, love, respect, desire
Replaced in the name of progress
So what happens to people who get replaced?
The empties? Don't ask me what happens to them
What happens to the empties?
I told you not to ask me that!
Go! Get out before it's too late!
Basil?
I said go!
This just can't be good
Sam, who was the boy that you liked in sixth form, Adrian...?
Adrian Keane
Why?
He's over there
Hey Sam, how's life?
Sam! We have to get out of here!
Where are the others?
They're blending in!
Oh fuck
-Gary! -Oh no just one more song
Gary, she's a Blank!
Don't be so judgemental
-Oh yeah -Come on!
Still got it
Enough's enough, let's go
Woah woah woah. Hold up, hold up.
Where are you all going?
We're leaving
Really? what happened?
Adrian Keane was in that bar
I thought you liked Adrian Keane
Adrian Keane's dead
Oh god
Adrian Keane died in a motorbike accident in Italy eight years ago
Did he?
They must have had his DNA on file, that's how they were able to replicate him
They're trying to get to us man, they know everything!
They didn't know Adrian was dead
They know enough to tempt us though
They knew these three would fall for a bunch of girls in school uniform
Hey, who wouldn't, am I right?
Fuck yeah
We gotta get out of town, we gotta get beyond it before it's too late
Where are you getting all this from?
Basil!
Oh, Mad Basil? He of the bermuda rhombus and the aqua-nazis
Another good name for the band, Steve
You're putting our lives in the hands of a crazy old man
He's not crazy
No, maybe he's not
or maybe he's a blank trying to lure us to the edge of town onto those dark country roads where they can deal with us
Yeah, we could end up dead in a field
I hate fields
Yes, my thoughts precisely.
Steven's right. We should go.
We are going to the beehive, Gary's plan is still the best we have
Wait a minute
1990 model Oliver was out of commission by this point in the evening
What are you saying?
I like the new you!
Come on
This is a mistake, isn't it?
Stick with me
Andy! Come on!
Here we go, pub number nine
Fuck yeah!
That's the spirit
Ooh, spirits. We should do tasters
Who is this guy?
I dunno, come on
Andy! We can't start without you
You what?
We can't start without you
Now then, who's round is it?
It's mine.
Mr Shepherd
Is it Mr Shepherd?
Why don't you kids join me?
You look like you could do with a drink
Now, let's have a little chat about your future, shall we?
Uh, Mr Shepherd
Please, call me Guy
Alright.
Guy
Are you a robot?
Does anyone know what robot means?
Ah, yeah, I do!
Yes, Gary?
Uh, it means "slave"
Oh, very good Gary
Are you a robot, sir?
No Peter, of course I'm not a robot
Sir?
Yes, Steven
But you're on their side though
This is not about sides, Steven
It's not about shirts versus skins
It's about working together as one team
I know it may seem a bit weird and a little bit scary, but...
Please believe me it's quite the opposite
They're here to help
To straighten us out, to prepare us for the big league
They've seen something in us
A potential
there's a vast community of worlds up there
Living together peacefully, cooperatively
And guess what?
They want us along for the ride
Pretty cool, eh, gang?
So, they're not here to harm us?
Far from it, O-Man
They're here to help
I'm not saying they're afraid to get tough
I've certainly had to get tough with you in my day
And what one amongst you wouldn't thank me for it
In some respects, they're a lot like teachers
Stern, yes
A little frightening
But it's all for our betterment
So, what do you say we all go somewhere and talk about this properly?
That wasn't properly?
Well, I think it's pretty clear, guys
What Mr Shepherd is trying to say, is that...
Andy, what the fuck?
Yes Andy, what the fuck?
Wtf
Humans! You leave us no recourse
If you will not join us willingly...
we will be forced to use other means of persuasion
Now, flee
I fucking hate this town!
Oh, crumps you're heavy
Sorry
Motherfucker!
Andy! Twist the Miller man
Sorry, this is no way for a family to behave
I'm so disappointed in you
O-Man!
Okay Andy, break it out
It doesn't have to be like this
It could be so much simpler
So completely painless
If only you'd see the light
Yes. See, it's not about conflict.
It's about togetherness
Yes
Let's try this again, shall we?
How about another round
Nah.
We're done here.
Yes, Gary
It appears to be the case
-The smokehouse! -What?
Just do it!
Come on!
This way!
Humans! This is your final order
Failure to comply will result in your death
Obey now, or face the consequences
Let's go!
Shit!
Oh look that's my car!
Let's climb down the drainpipe
I got a better idea
Climb down the drainpipe
Okay, just go
Wait, what about the others?
With me, okay? I got this.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I always land on my feet
I don't know if that's true, Gary
Just go
Will you find out what happened to my brother?
Yeah, of course, of course. And I'll look after Steve for you eh?
He's a good guy
He's better than me
Gary, you're not a bad person
But, you're not boyfriend material
You know the whole free spirit quick one in the disabled's toilet thing...
it's pretty cool when you're seventeen but
Not when you're facing forty
Comes a time you have to go forwards, not backwards
Maybe if I hadn't left you behind that night, things would now be different
It's not all about that night, Gary
Isn't it?
Doesn't have to be
We'll always have the disabled's though, won't we?
Yeah
Yeah, we'll always have the disabled's
Oh no!
Where's Sam?
I put her in her car
You did what?
I put her in her car and just told her to leave
You just sent away the only one of us sober enough to drive
Yeah
You just couldn't stand the fact that she might prefer me to you
That's not true
It is true Gary!
I was getting somewhere, we held hands!
I was just trying to help!
You're trying to help yourself, more like
Jesus I do something right for a change and you fuckers get on my case!
Wow
That is the first time I've ever heard you admit being wrong.
I said : I did something right
Yeah, for a change!
So?
Meaning the rest of the time you were wrong?
Not necessarily.
I just thought it was best to keep her out of harm's way
What about us, Gary? Are we in harm's way?
We're alright, Pete
Come on, we're the five musketeers
No, we're the four musketeers!
Wait
How do we know you put her in the car?
How do we know you're you?
Of course I'm me
But who the fuck are you, Gary?
I'm Gary King
There is only one Gary King
How do I know you guys are you?
We've been together the whole time
But, you might all not be you
How did you know O-Man wasn't O-Man?
Because his birthmark was back
What does that prove?
Because of what Basil said
They make your copy from your DNA
That's why he had his birthmark
He was new, like a baby
Like a man baby
Like a ma-be
Oliver with none of the shit that happened to the real Oliver
The laser surgery
So the blank really are just blank?
No wear and tear
No scars
Steven, in 1987, we were playing cricket and I accidently pushed...
you on a broken bottle and it nearly went up your arse
So?
Show us your bum
Very nice
Thank you
Pete, you got that 50CC Suzuki in '88...
you let me have a go and I ran over your leg
The fuck?
Oh, right, it's the other one
Andy, in 1986, we reenacted the knife game...
from Aliens, and I stabbed you in the middle finger
How about December 1997?
When you OD'd
When I drove you to the hospital four times over the limit...
And I ended up rolling the car...
and almost severing my femoral artery
At which point you made a miraculous fucking recovery...
and ran off into the night
Leaving me to get arrested
After 12 hours of life-saving surgery
Either one of those would do
Thank you
What about you?
That's easy
That would have been drawn on
Aren't all tattoos drawn on?
Yeah
Show us your arm
What?
Show us your arm
No, I... no
You fell off stage at the fifth year ball, fucking around...
and dislocated your elbow
You've got a scar where they put the metal plate in
I don't have to show you anything
Alright? I'm.. I'm Gary King
I know I'm me
If I'm not me, then how do I know that carved in that beam...
above your head are the words "King Gary"?
But it doesn't say "King Gary"
Yes, it does
Doesn't it?
No
It says "King Gay"
Well
Some cunt scratched out the "r"
That was me
Why?
King Gay
It means fuckall anyway
Mr Shepard remembered stuff, so did Oliver
Selective memory
Remember?
We don't see you for years
and you just pitch up and brings us here
You better come up with some hard evidence that you're human
Otherwise, we're gonna find out for ourselves
You want evidence?
There
That proves I'm human
Proves you're stupid
Exactly
It's Gary
The whole town's out looking for us
That's a good thing
Everybody's outside that means that nobody is inside
Gary, wait...
Fuck
Gary
What do you mean nobody's inside?
We can still do this
Do what exactly?
Ugh, we're still on the crawl
"King Gay"
Peter?
Peter
I thought that was you
You okay?
I'm... i'm a what?
I know we didn't see eye to eye at school
Goodness knows I regret that
I wanted to say something back at the pub but...
I felt so terribly ashamed by what I've done
Let me make it up to you, Peter
Please?
Gary, you're out of your mind
We've gone too far
It's fucking suicide
I know!
We are gonna get to The World's End if it kills us
Where's Pete?
I hate you!
You fucking monster
Pete?
I hate you!
Pete, leave it
Why are you doing this, Peter?
Pete!
We don't want to hurt you
Come mate, it's not worth it
Yes, it fucking is!
Pete!
What's he doing?
Oh shit
Pete!
Pete, stop it
I must say
I'm very disappointed in you, Peter
Fuck, what's that fucking lights are?
No, no, there's too many of them
Pete
We gotta go
Gary's right
We gotta get to the King's Head
Exactly
What?
We are not going to the King's Head
We're done
We're gonna do what we should have done in the first place
Get the Beast and get out here
We are fucking leaving and we are never coming back
Now, you can either come with us willingly...
or I'm gonna knock you the fuck out and carry you there myself
You choose
Alright, alright
Just think about what you're saying, y'know?
'Cause... you have been drinking
You fuck!
Shit, it's the fucking kids
Oh, not them again
What the hell is that?
I don't know but it's definitely not modern art
Oh shit, we are trapped
Where's the Beast?
Okay... alright... we're here
The Beast is in the next street
How are you gonna get to it?
Well, we'll have to go through
Through where?
I don't fucking believe this
Number 10
Come on
Shit
Let's go
Back door... back door...
Let's go
Here we go
Okay, there it is
Shit
We wait for an opening...
and then we make it the Beast
We need the keys
Gary
What are you doing?
Just a little toast
Gary
Put the pint down, yeah?
To Oliver...
Pete...
and to us
You know? 'Cause ten pubs isn't bad
It's not
[...] in time
Okay
So close
It's number ten
Okay
So close
No, no, no...
Gary
Gary!
Let him go
He left you, man
I can't
Andy!
Gary! Gary!
Gary, come back
Come back you stupid bastard
Gary! Gary!
Andy, look out
Come on!
What the...
Get in!
Gary, Andy...
Get the fuck in!
You heard him, Andy
Get the fuck in
Don't have much time
Andy! Go, now!
Steven!
Go!
Andy
I want you inside me
Okay
Cheers
No! You had enough
This is The World's End, man!
I know!
Leave me alone
Why do you care anyway?
Because I fucking care!
There's a reason I'm angry at you
I know why you're angry at me, okay?
But it's not my fault you crashed that car
That's not the point
You let me down, man
You were Gary King
Gary fucking King
I would have followed you to the end
I fucking have!
Well, stop following me!
No, it's just one more
Let me have this
You've got everything that you want
What are you walking about?
You got your perfect job and your perfect house and your perfect wife
It isn't perfect
She left me, Gary
She took the kids to her mum's three weeks ago
Said I'm not present enough
I am trying to win her back
God knows I am losing
I will continue to fight
Because that is how we survive
For fuck's sake, Gary
I just punched my wedding ring out of a robot's tummy
Exactly, you fight for what's important
What is so important about the Golden Mile?
It's all I got!
Gary!
You need help, Gary
I've got help
You what help was?
Help was a lot of people sitting in a circle...
talking about how fucking awful things have got
It's not my idea of a good thing
And this is?
They told me when to go to bed
Me
Gary
Man
How can you tell when you're drunk if you're never sober?
I don't want to be sober
It never got better than that night
That was supposed to be the beginning of my life
All that...
promise and fucking optimism
That feeling like we could take on the whole universe
It was a big lie
Nothing happened
You don't need to do this, Gary
Yeah, I do
Please, stand by
12
11
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
Gary...
What are you doing?
No, don't go
Gary King
Yeah?
Gary King, of the humans?
Yeah? What do you want?
We are here to enable your full potential
As we have with countless worlds across the galaxy
Oh yeah?
How did you manage that, then?
We appropriate a small percentage of the population...
at 2000 or so penetration points across the planet
This ensures maximum coverage
From there, we create simulants
To spread our ideologies
Through peaceful indoctrination
Our objective is simple
Ready the population for participation in our galactic community
This method requires ...a small sacrifice
But the fewer replacements we make...
the more successful we consider our operation
Of course, we welcome those who volunteer themselves
We can offer attractive incentive...
for those who willingly come by
The chance to be young again...
and yet retain selective memories
Isn't that something... you'd like?
Something... you always wanted?
Oh my god
I'm so cute
The beauty of our system is...
that we all win
There are no losers
Allow me to carry your legend forward
May the man you have become...
be the boy you were
No
There's only one Gary King!
Then, you have made your choice...
Gary King, of the humans
Yeah, I have
Because, frankly...
Who the fuck are you to come down here and tell us what to do?
We are the Network
And we are here for your betterment
In the last 23 years...
Have you not marvel as information technology's surged forward?
No
Earth has grown smaller yet...
greater as connectivity has grown
This is our doing
And it is just the beginning
Aw, fuck off you big lamp!
You are children and you require guidance
There is no room for imperfection
Hey, earth isn't perfect, alright?
And humans aren't perfect
And guess what? I ain't perfect
And therein lies the necessity for this intervention
Must the galaxy be subjected to an entire planet of people like you?
Who put you in charge, eh?
Who are you to criticize anyone?
Now, you might think that Gary is a bit of a cock...
and he is a bit of a cock
But he's my cock
Oh thanks, mate
But he is a detriment to himself...
just as earth is a detriment to the galaxy
What... what did you say?
You act out the same cycles of self-destruction again and again
At this point, your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy
What did he say?
He's saying we're a bunch of fuckups
Hey! It's our basic human right to be fuckups
This civilization was founded on fuckups
And you know what?
That makes me proud
And me!
What is it that they say?
To err is...
To err is human
To err is human!
So, err...
We do not believe you speak for all humanity
You are but two men
Two drunk men
Three drunk men!
Stevie my man!
Enough!
You're back!
Enough, humans
Oh you are in trouble now
If only three fucking musketeers...
You are revolting against the wisdom of countless solar systems
Yeah, we are revolting
Wait
You just said you're not here to conquer
Can I just ask...
How many people did you have to replace in Newton Heaven?
That is irrelevant
Is it?
Hands up
Who here... is human?
I'm human
One
And me
That's two!
I am
I don't know for how long
Basil!
So what's that?
Three?
You actually replaced an entire town
Not the entire town
Well everybody apart from old nutball and the shifty twins
That's a good name for a band, Gary, you should write that down
I will
What about the ones you replaced?
Like... Peter and Oliver
Yeah!
What happens to the empties?
I told you not to ask that
Redundant vessels are recycled, mulched and converted into fertilizer
where upon they are returned to the earth to promote verdancy and growth
It is an highly efficent mean of organic renewal
Mulch?
It is a relative few in the light of our long term plan
You mean a few hundred thousand to fucking compost
What about the other places?
The penetration points
Are they as sucessful as Newton Heaven?
Because...I'm guessing we're not the only glitch in your system
It is true, the Network has been experiencing some difficulties
I think you bite off more than you can chew with earth, mate
Yeah, 'cause we are more belligerent...
more stubborn and more idiotic than you can possibly imagine
And I am not just talking about Gary
Yeah! There's more than one Gary King
But you said...
I fucking know what I fucking said!
Your reliance of profanity is a measure of your immaturity as a man and as a species
Why don't you just get in your rocket...
and fuck off back to Legoland you cunts
Yes!
Stop fucking starbuckin's us, man
Yeah!
It's our duty to challenge you
Just leave us to own our devices, you intergalactic asshole
You misunderstand!
We are...
Nobody's listening!
If you don't need...
Face it!
We're the human race and we don't like to be told what to do
Just what is it that you want to do?
We want to be free!
Yeah!
We want to be free to do what we want to do
Yeah!
We wanna get loaded
And we want to have a good time
And that's what we're gonna do
It's pointless arguing with you
You will be left...
to your own...
devices
Really?
Yeah
Fuck it
They fucked off!
Yes, yes!
Up yours! Up yours! Up yours!
Yeah, we did it! We won!
Gary! Let's boo boo!
Yeah, shitty here, isn't here?
Boys! Up here! Go!
Go, go, get up
Run!
Well done
Thanks a bunch
Had to go and spoil it, didn't you?
Yeah, happy now?
Basil, what do we do now?
Same as before
Goooo!
Where's the Beast?
The Beast is dead, mate
You know what?
You know what's really annoying?
What?
I promised myself I wouldn't die in this town
You're not gonna
I think our luck just changed
Sorry
Sam?
Yes
You came back for us
Yes, I did
I uh, well I got lost on the ring road, but yes
Hi, Sam
Could you give us a lift to London, please?
Did you find out what happened to my brother?
Tell you on the way
Oh sorry about the mess, I've been meaning to clean that up
We forgive you, let's go!
Which way?
Backwards!
Which way now?
Go straight over
We're gonna make it
We made it!
I'm sorry
I know
Everyone remembers where they were when the lights went out on planet Earth
Me, Gary, Steven, Sam...
We were standing right by the switch
I guess it was a big night for everyone
That morning gave a whole new meaning to the word hangover
We decided to walk it off
On the way back to London
The derelict didn't end there
It just went on and on...
They talk about the big smoke
When the Network went down, it triggered some..
kind of pulse
Wiped out all our technology
And sent us here
Back to the Dark Ages
There casualities, of course
Only a few of them
Some guys from work, my cousin Paul...
Gary's mum
Nobody really knew how many we lost
'Cause we never heard from the rest of the world again
Everyone got cut off
It isn't easy now, but it is simpler
I'm back with the wife
Which is something
We decided that our problems didn't seem as bad in the grand scheme of things
We all had to go organic in a big way
But if I'm honest?
I'm hard pressed to recall any processed food I actually miss
As for the blanks...
Well, a funny thing happened there
They woke up
A week or so after the Network pulled down
They just sort of... rebooted by themselves
Trying to start afresh
They seemed lost at first
Children, cut out from their parents...
Abandonned, forgotten...
Looking for guidance
For someone to show the the way
I felt a bit sorry for them, to be honest
The Network was right about one thing
We can be a bit uncivilized
Maybe we would have been a bad influence on the rest of the galaxy
Oliver went back to being an estate agent
People still need a roof over their heads and...
the Old Ollie always had the gift of the gab
I guess the new one has too
He's doing alright
I heard that Peter found his way home to Bishop's Gardens
I suppose he picked up where the other one left off
I'm not sure his wife noticed
Maybe she chose not to
He's a pretty good dad, by all accounts
Steven and Sam got together in the end
Didn't see that coming
They shacked up just outside London
It's a pretty nice shack too
As for Gary...
I don't know what happened to Gary
We got separated
Never saw him again
Some say he went back to Newton Heaven
I don't know why
His business there was done
It's funny but...
I miss him
I wonder if he misses me
Misses the boys
Wherever he is...
I hope he's happy
That's all he ever wanted, really
To have a good time
I just hope he found beyond the bottom of a glass
Because real happiness...
Real friends...
Those are things worth living for
Worth fighting for
Blank bastards
Fucking robots
Five waters, please
You can have one
But I ain't serving this scum
Oh, I'm afraid it's all for one and one for all
You see, my young friends and I are on an adventure
A quest, if you will
And since we find ourselves in need of refreshment...
You sir, have the honor of drawing first blood
So, i'll ask you again...
For the last time
Five waters, please
Who the hell do you think you are?
Me?
They call me "The King"