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Did you know that when someone attracted messes your sideline
your pupils dialated 20%?
Or when someone falls in love their brain floods with dopamine?
You know what else causes that chemical reaction? Narcotics.
It's crazy right?
But that's the fun shit I'm learning right now.
See I've been hired to write this romantic comedy screen play.
The problem is I've never actually you know, being in love, so..
It's slow going.. yeah.
To help, I rely on this writers trick.
When other people tell me their tales of romance
I try to imagine my self as the character in the story, you know.
The ones in love
It's kind of desperate attemp to feel something I supose. Anything really.
It's a little narcissistic, but.. It works.
I think the closest I ever came would be the summer of 1989
Back then my baby sitter.
We were deeply passionately madly in love for one glorious nihgt.
Until my grand dad came home early from poker.
God, can she dance..
I think since then all of my experience involving
love usually start out something like this.
- You know I always think you're pretty cute. - You still got that boy friend?
- Yeah. - You guys in love?
Then they lead somewhere like this..
And then usually end up... something like this.
How about some back story.
- It's a rom com. - No, romance.
It's a favor for the producer because the studio hates the third act.
This is gonna be huge, ok. They have..
Ashley Tisdale from "High School Musical"
and Matthew Morrison from "Glee". This is gonna be huge.
I can see the poster now man. "More Ash"
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- You ever bang a Malaysian chick before? - No.
This cigarette is like a elephant's dick to them.
They sweet, warm, and genuine. They're caring beautiful women.
That you can rip apart.
And Swayze says to her, for the first time, because he's never been able to say this before
"I love you Molly.. I.."
"I've always loved you." And then Demi Moore says to him.."Ditto".
Remember that's what he said to her for the beginning of the movie?
- Ok, it's no Terminator, but... - What?
I'm sorry, you think Terminator is more romantic than Ghost?
Yeah.
You're messing with me. Oh my God you're not messing with me.
Terminator?
- It's the same guy who did Titanic. - My head is gonna explode..
I'll be back.
And that's not a reference.
Many people have said that, in the history of time.
This is my buddy, Scott. We've been friends since the day we met.
Excuse me.....
you left your...
Hey, you left your package!
- Hey wait up! - Shit!
- Shit... Don't hurt me, I'm a writer. - I'm not gonna hurt you, why are you running?
- Because you're chasing me! - Because you left your package!
On purpose. Oh my God.
Who leave packages on purpose? You can't do that shit post 9/11 you know.
It's my favorite novel, "Love In The Time Of Cholera".
I leave it random places for people to find.
It's my art.
- You were saying. what's your name? - I'm Scott.
- Let's get your bag. - Shit.
Alright, what's up Edward?
So the guy character has multiple personality, he
meets the girl character who has multiple personality
And one of his personality falls in love with...
one of her personality.
That's sounds really good.
It's terrible. It's full of cliches.
It has a gay best friend personality
It has a bitch girl friend personality.
It has a fiesty hispanic personality,
It has a black you know, protective personality,
There's even an act three running through an airport scene.
I love running through the airport scenes.
Oke, we gotta top that. Put her on a brigde. How romantic is that...
You have two people on a bridge, maybe there's a whole crowd following them and cheering
- I'm not doing any of that. - With a slow clap.
I'm not doing any of that, Scott.
Well then you're not really making a rom com.
If I'm gonna do this, I just...
wanna write something that shows love how it really is.
You know, not funny, not romantic.
Ok, but that kinda sounds like a downer.
Let me explain, love starts out like this...
- Sorry, my palms get kinda sweaty. - I don't care, I love you.
And then he throw up. He try to say it was food poisoning, but...
but I haven't been able to make love with the lights on since.
You are so beautiful, I'm just lucky to have you.
But then quickly becomes more like this.
I work with her, what do you want me to do baby? Quit my job?
- No, I want you to keep eye humping her all night. - Baby, stop.
Don't touch me with your sticky, disgusting reptile hands!
You give away your most personal information, only
to have your secret comes back to destroy you.
Stop being melodramatic, maybe if you'd hit the gym once in a while
you wouldn't need that sub-story. No wonder you throw up.
How do I know this? Well, take my story for example.
There's no stronger force than a mother's love
I love you.
She keeps you safe, secure,
it's unconditional. Right?
And then without warning, bottom falls out.
And you to left watch helplessly as your world comes crashing down.
- Mom, where's the prize? - Your mom's not in here son.
That's what love does. It leaves you with grand dad.
To go to Chile with Phillip, and ruins the perfectly good cereal.
And that's last time I saw her, that's why every time someone said..
- I love you. - I love you.
- My respons have been..
I just don't see my self ever feeling the same way about you.
And there you have 'me'.
By the way that's my heart.
You know how some people wear their heart on their sleeve.
Well I keep mine out a long time ago.
And now he just follows me around. Chain smoking.
So, like I said. That's been my life.
But then I met this girl.
Come on Scott, let's go man. These people are obnoxious.
I'm sorry there ain't no perfect tense here.
But we're staying until they ox you of that couple champagne back.
I don't care if they're all fours.
But if I have to hear one more four talk about a region pet
My sperm are gonna start eating each other.
- Shit! - Colorfull.
- It's a gift. - No, please continue.
I think I made my point.
No, I don't think you're drunk enough.
But a couple drinks from now, we might be sexist.
Point well taken. I'm cutting my self off. I think the rest of my
night is going to involve online shopping and eating my feelings.
Online shopping... I would've taken you for porn guy.
- I'm off porn, it objectify women. - So that's a bad thing now?
I'm not againts women being objectify..
per say. I guest I'm just sick of men not being objectify.
I'm sick of women not being judge by how much money we make.
If I spend an hour in change of when getting ready,
I wanna be ogled. I pretty much begging for it.
Exactly. I'm tired of being wanted for my body, but not my pocket book.
We're drinking $ 300 wine here, my money isn't good?
- Oh God, this girl is dangerous. - Do you wanna do social experiment?
Nice ass, you work out?
Is that dress a Valentino?
You know what the suit made out of? Boyfriend material.
That suit looks good on you, but I bet you look
even better bluk up in the corner of a hotel room.
I love to travel more, but I have a crushing student that..
Oh God... Sorry.
Oh God, look at this guy.. So stuffy.
- Do the blowjob, the conga cheap thing. - No, he's my boy friend.
- Hi honey. - Darling, there you are.
I have no idea what stuff he said, because I went temporary deaf.
Hey.. I was looking for you.
You don't look too good. How do you handle the crowd?
I like the crowd, that's why I'm in the shade for so long..
Ok that sucked, shake it off. Time to randomly text some chicks.
- Hey.. I'm so glad you called. - I did it.
I found that love is like a leak in a boat. Starts slow with a drip.
And if you don't plug it, it gets worse until you drown.
And to fix it you should really find an expert.
I wanna tell him: "No mister policemen, this is not a thumbs up moment"
But, yeah it is.
We all have diffrent patches for the leak in mind of sex.
Which is about to erase all the traces of that girl from cherry event right out of my brain.
Wait.
Stop, stop.. I'm sorry.
- What the hell? - Good question.
Question for you. There was a girl here..
She had brown hair, just a great, great girl..
Perfect smile, red dress, kind of whole happy thing going on..
- Ringing any bells? - Nope, sorry.
Shit.
- What the hell were you doing? - Listen Erin..
You're amazing, but is there somewhere I can drop you?
She would go on to say her name was Reagan, at least I think it was.
Wow, I'm not good with names. Teresa, she could be Teresa.
Jenn, too nanny, no, never. Marry, too plain.
Shantiqua. Highly unlikely. Chassity? I hope not.
If there's one thing you should know about writers...
That we don't suffer alone very well.
It's why we write, it's why we form little groups, this is mine in action.
Lyle, single, harmless defiant.
The proud writer of first 20 pages of 16 screen plays and 12 novels.
Needs a shower.
Samson, married, graphic novelist, poem, short stories.
Kinda too old to be hanging out with us, we don't give a shit.
Mallory, she writes and performs in 10 sleep
personal 1 women shows and drags the rest of us too.
We fuck sometimes, for research.
Scott, you met him.
Why do you need to know her name?
I guess... I kinda want to say her name out loud.
Stop, it's a passing infactuation.
Gee, I wish some guy thaught about saying my name out loud.
- You mean like Wally playing with his dangling bits? - Yes.
hey.. who says there no more romantics?
I actually think the whole idea of love is kind of unrealistic and out dated.
Make sure that goes in your rom com.
- You know how I kill infactuation? - With a gun?
When I meet a hot girl, I just look for one flaw..
wheter she's Pigeon Toe, Knock knee or just not very polite.
I focus on that one flaw until I'm not attracted anymore.
Works perfectly. How do you think I don't cheat on my wife?
- I thought you did. - No wonder your marriage is so happy.
Don't talk to me about happines, ok. Because.. thanks
Happiness and marriage don't coexist.
The reason that Romeo killed him self, ok. Suicide was the best option for this guy.
- Why? - No.. Romeo set the standart for love.
No, Shakespeare didn't know anything about love. The guy was a sexuaL defiant, ok.
He couldn't keep his hand of him self. That's
why his name is Shakespeare. - It's true.
Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow all sexart by names.
- E.E. Cummings. - Margaret Eatwood.
- Dean Cuntz. - Atwood and Koontz.
Yeah I see your point. Why any teens killing them self isn't love.
Love is what keeps fucking you long after the sex is dried out.
Stop, you guys are trrible. Love is a real thing.
I was watching this screen soap opera last night.
- Stop watching that show. - You guys are hearing this.
It was in episode of "When the Peritrich blossoms, it also weeps"
So Basically there's this girl Hanna and this guy Dae Jung,
and they've been reunited after years of seperation.
They're like crazy in love. I mean it's all tea pouring and sort of glances.
But you can tell they're like 2 seconds away from ripping
each other kimonos off and getting seriously freaky.
Remember when I told you how I put my self on other peoples stories?
And why is she here?
But now they're finally back together.
And she realizes she has to tell him her secret.
She'd been born a man. So she had to get this operation.
To be with she always knew she was in her heart. A women.
This is the part that literally blew my mind.
Instead of rejecting her, he matches her confesion.
He had biologically been a women, but had sience given what he always felt he should have.
You know, dude parts.
And they just touch hands.
That's love.. fuck..
Love will always find a way. Excuse me... oh, sorry.
Scott could be right. But then Scott will also say that there's some one for every one.
And as much as you may think that's right. You can always find that one person
that so unusual to the natural order of things.
You think that can't be true, but then. You're wrong again.
Then every where you look, it's like googling akward engagement foto.
And you realize you're wrong a third time.
You're that one person. You're the exception.
There's some one for every one. Every one except you.
- There's some thing on your mind? - Mm..It's nothing.
When ever you say it's nothing..
- It is never nothing. - Can we talk about something else?
Yeah sure.. I'm gonna have another..
- Prostate exam tomorow morning. - Jesus!
No. It's a girl... It's nothing.
If you're thinking about her but you can't figure
out how to talk about it, it is not nothing.
I met her at some random fund raiser,
I have no idea how to find her, so. Nothing.
I didn't know you were such a quitter.
How am I quitting? I don't know anything about her.
I don't know her name, I don't know where she live,
I don't know what she does. So, nothing.
- You know what Colombo would do? - Prove she's a murderer?
Yeah, but first you had to figure out how to find her!
Grand dad was right, I needed to Colombo the LA charity scene.
So, instead of writing, I started google.
Scott, you like doing good shit.
Wanna come and do some research with me?
Alright, get your head in the game, get your tie on, feeling smart..
Let's find this girl!
Charities are ridiculous, they like to fatten you up with lucheon, dinners, and drinks..
And they want us spit it back at you after 5 days.
Hey there.
I see you in a lot of these.
You're very caring person. Need more guys like you.
The truth is I'm not as charitable as I probably should be.
So I did what I do best. Make shit up.
I think the charity defines you as a man. We try to come whenever we can.
Especially for the.. art.. I've seen one of those things..
I started spewing tales of adventure, in out reach.. And I didn't mean to lie..
but i'm a writer. It's the way my brain works. Don't judge me.
God, look at me. I don't even know what the hell I'm saying right now.
Nice to meet you guys. I may have gone too far.
But I'm having fun, They're having fun. No harm, no foul, right?
But as time went on, I started to think it didn't matter how much of my time with donating.
It wasn't doing any good. My search for her was a lost cause.
- That was my best time yet, bro. - Doesn't' matter. She's not here.
That's was this is about? You told me you were doing research here.
Maybe Scott was right. Maybe it was time to get my life back to normal. What was I doing?
Hey buddy, just checking in on the script. Seriously
I got Ashley Tisdale breathing down my neck.
She called me six times this week, threating to...
face fuck my dog if she doesn't see your draft.
I must've missed judge her. She doesn't care about charity at all.
It's actually kind of self indulge put me through all this.
I don't know why I keep trying
- This is $500 a plate. - Meat or vegetarian?
- Can we.. share a plate? - Share a plate fee is 500.
- I'll have the fillet. - The same.
Enough about my work, and thank you for all the
powerful testimonial that's been shared today.
I'd like to keep it going with a trully great man that I've only recently...
have the pleasure of meeting. I hope I don't embarrass him too much.
- He farms coconut in Cambodia. - Holy shit, that's a real thing?
He helps lepra in South America most recently.
He single handedly took the Abdulali frog..
- Oh, shit! - Come up, big hand.
- Smile, wave. Yeah. - A little help gang. Let's get'em up here.
I'm gonna kill this guy.
- Get up here! - Speach, speach..!
Thank you so much, It really wasn't anything though.
It was something.
No, believe me.. I'm not just being modest when I say really didn't do anything.
That anybody else in my position wouldn't have done. So..
- Don't worry, you're doing great baby! - Give your self a round of aplause, right?
- You saved the frogs. - It wasn't just me.. it wasn't just me.
A lot of poeple involved, lot of hands in there.
- It's kinda like hand orgy. Oh God - You're not fawning!
That's inappropriate.
And suddenly, there she was.
Okay, enjoy your afternoon.
- Nailed it, right? - Like a coffin.
I had no idea you're such a philantropist.
Now would be a good time to come clean.
I'm really just a sucker for a good cater meal.
A lot better at this frog event then the rhesus monkey dinner.
Not the rhesus monkeys. They're slash fund charity.
They sprinkle cute little monkey photos all over the
place, like roofies and they date rape your cheque book. Bastards!
- You seem very passionate about monkey rape. - Like you and frog orgies.
So, you're here with the guy?
No, I'm here with work.
The company I work for bought a table. We do urban planning and
we're helping the post foundation affiliate the news project.
It sounds boring, but it's actually really, really fascinating..haha
- Sorry, I fell asleep. what was that? - Very funny.
You wanna go for a walk?
Yeah, yeah... I walk.
After you.
- I got a deadline right now, but I can't seem to focus on. - You should try yoga.
Nature has decided my body won't bend.
No.. but that's why you have to do it. It's good for you.
I know. I think I avoid things that are good for me.
Oh, I see. The stereotypical self loathing good samaritan.
At least you do good things for other people.
Last chance, asshole. Just tell her the truth.
Do you see right there, where there's two waves colide and become one?
It's funny.. it's like how..
How far they travel..
Years, thousands of years, a life times?
For this one moment, right here, right now find each other.
And then they crash, and go back out to sea in search of one another again.
- I'm just messing with you... hahaha - Oh, man...
- I got you.. to crush.. - You got me. Wow!
- I was with you... you had a moment. - I know... how romantic, what can you say.
I'm sorry.. you froze up?
I could've kissed her, I just didn't want to pull the trigger.
I didn't wanna.. ruin it.
- That doesn't sound right. - Oh my God.. You're gonna see her again?
No, she's got a boy friend. I'm gonna get out now before I embarrase my self..
Welcome back buddy. First useful things I've hear you saying in weeks.
- Hey, you! - Hey.
- What are you doing? - I'm just walking.
- I got a frined with me Scott, me and Scott. - Hi, Scott.
Have fun not embarrasing your self.
You gonna check out those waves?
No, I just pretend. Looks cool though, right? You bought it.
- This is a little wierd right? - I know.
You meant weird that you're stalking me, right?
I thought you were stalking me.
No, if I were stalking you. You never see me.
- I'm very good at it. - Oh, really?
Because I live around the corner, and I run the neighbourhood watch.
- So, you have been watching me? - You think you're pretty funny, don't you?
I think I have promise.
No matter how much your brain thinks you control your mouth...
there's always gonna be that override switch.
So, this might sound kinda nuts.
Maybe we should try running into each other some time on purpose?
- Did you just ask me on a date? - No.
I'm just saying that we keep running into each other...
it feels like I dont' know. Fate wants us to hang out.
Good, because my boy friend really hates it when I go on a dates.
Sounds controling.
Look, I think you're getting the wrong idea about me as a man.
I think we should just be friend. That's allowed, right?
A guy and a girl hanging out. No big deal, no relationship stuff.
I'm lousy at relationship stuff.
Don't worry, I have really, really low expectation.
We should definately hang out. I'm really good with low expectation.
Is that so?
In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that if we hang out.
You gonna walk away completely unimpressed.
How can I say no to that?
So, it's a date?
Sure, but it's a friend date.
Friend date.
What the hell is friend date?
Noooooo.....!
I want him to crawl inside of my vagina.
I left my ovaries abandoned in the basement like potatoes.
- And they started growing arms, and legs... - Hey, that's rude. Just sit.
Not there, back here.
That's the leg.
No! Oh my God!
Woo, twist ending.
You are playing with fire.
No I'm not.
There's nothing wrong with two adults hanging out as friends.
Man and women can't be friends. We are squids and squirrels.
- Are you saying we're not friends? - I'm saying we've slept together.
So, friends can fuck. Fact that is.
- Oh, really.. um, have you fuck Scott? - Not physically.
- What's with the German accent? - Don't change the subject.
I think you're starting to like this girl.
And you're just setting boundaries so you can push them.
No, I'm not. If anything I'm going out with this girl to prove she's nothing special.
She's just as ordinary as every other girl.
Oh my God, I can't belive you're about to say that.
- Pressing company excluded. - I went on friend date recently.
This one is gonna be weird.
So my 'friend' tells me: I'll come over and watch a movie, hang out.
Sounds 'normal', right? Now imagine you're me.
Oh God. Hi.
And the next thing you know his tounge is half
way down your throat and he doesn't stop there.
- My penis hurts. - What was that?
- My penis hurt. - Excuse me?
- My penis hurt. - Then you better go home and take care of it.
- I want you to take care of it. - That's not gonna happen.
Or you'll never take of my pants.
So my advice to you, if you really like this girl is..
take her somewhere in public, and don't blow it.
- Wow, it's white. - Looks loud.
Looks like an audio gangbang.
That's the name of my band. It's so wierd.
- It's number 8 - An emmit a wood star 'Hummingbird'
Fastest heart beat in the world.
This guy's heart beat so fast, he's always on the verge of death.
- What? - Shitty...
- Wanna play doctor? - Yes.
Heart beat. The ancient Chinese believe..
you were only given a limited number of heart beat when you were born.
You can spend them any way you like, but your heart
will beat faster like when you got angry or excited.
I wonder if it's the same for a loner?
No, I can't find it.
Godamit.. where is your flaw?
Nothing.. You don't have a heart.
Miracle of science.
The problem with our little friend date is that it didn't feel like a friend date.
We're connecting, I'm showing her a great time, and
at the end of the night she's going on the hint.
I'm basicaly stuffy's wingman.
Alright, I got to get up early tomorrow, tomorrow's farmers market day
which means the guys like to get there early for their right tomatoes.
Yeah, I gotta go to. I gotta late night poker game.
Cool, well this was fun..
Alright, I see you soon.
- Good luck tonight. - You too.
Godamit!
Dumb.. dumb! What a dick!
- Are you okay? - Yeah.. What's up?
My car won't start.
- I'm so sorry you miss poker. - No, that's what a friend for.
Speaking of, what are you up to on thursday?
Tell her you're booked, busy, completely slammed.
Because I've got this charity event to go to but no one to go with.
Say anything, doing your taxes, washing your hair, oh my God..
Sounds good.
Cool, alright. Right on. Second friend date.
Yaah... yaay...
Alright, well I'll see you on thursday.
That's a wave good bye, I mistake it for a fucking high five.
And now I'm left to hear it echo for the rest of eternity.
- You, high fived her? - Yes
Maybe she didn't even notice.
Sometimes when I'm playing with kids, I go up high And
they just stare at me, like they don't even wanna touch it.
- In what world aren't you a pedophile? - In this world.
Look, she definately notice. It was terrible.
Well at least you'll never have to see her again.
- Oh.. come on.. - It's a charity.
- Here's the deal, you look like hell. - Like shit.
Now you're stalking this girl, and you won't stop talking to us about her.
And you're clearly sexually frustrated. Excuse me..
Are you even masturbating properly?
- Yes... I'm no. I don't need to masturbate. - You do need to masturbate.
This is an intelectual connection, based on common interest.
For people who have common shared interests.
- Oh my God, you're falling for her. - No I'm not..
I'm sorry I don't belive in the fairy tale.
But your idea for falling in love is what lonely people tell each other to justify..
Lonely people?
Bullshit man. Love is amazing, it connects people.
It makes the whole better then the parts.
Look at the divorce rate, people are petty emotional whores.
They don't pair off to connect, they do it to spread their misery.. like STDs.
What you're defending is an ideal that can't exist in an imperfect world.
You are liying to your self, trying to proof that she's not special.
And that's deceptive. To you, to her, to your connection..
You can not get to the truth through deception.
Mall's right, you're gonna ruin this. Because you're souless, love hater..
No, you don't know what you're talking about, and don't over emits sex thing.
Because you've read "Love In The Time Of Yellow Fever".
- "Time Of Cholera". - It's print out "chalera", like Chalupa
So what's your big plan huh? You gonna wreck her
relationship until you get bored and stop calling?
I don't know, Mallory.. I don't even wanna talk about this.
You guys are all getting on my case, you dump your man issue on me..
Did you just say man issue? Are you kidding me?
You're a liar, you still going out with her!
Why don't you just go already.. Fuck it, go already!
Can I just bowl?
Maybe they were right.
I had to end this. But if I was gonna do it, I was gonna do it like a gentlemen. In person.
Bring on the charity.
Nice suit.
- What kind of charity is this? - I didn't tell you about this?
You like me wearing under wear.
I would've page you for a brief guy.
- I'm thrilly impressed. - Are you?
- Checking my masculating? - Maybe..
Holy shit.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
You made a sound during the warior three pose.
- What pose is that? - Okay, let me refresh your memory. Uhh...
Oh that noice. That was me. I do it all the time.
What?
What's the deal with you and stuffy?
- That is not his name. - Isn't it though?
- I don't know. We'll probably get married. - Probably? You don't sound so sure.
We talk about it, every few months we kinda sit down and we discuss it.
Sounds romantic.
- I'm not ready. - Why?
I don't know. I guess I just always thought It'd feel little different.
Maybe it's not supposed to. But I'm fine with that.
Obviously it's not of my business, but can you say fine it sounds like comfortable.
- What's wrong being comfortable? - Nothing.
Are you happy?
I'm happy..
And he is stable.
And he is very passionate about his job, and my parents love
him, my friends love him, and he is everything that I need.
What about what you want?
You may check off all the right boxes, but you can't plan a happiness.
Okay, describe your perfect wedding.
I don't know. I never thought about it.
San Francisco, outdoor wedding...
at one of the cities heart sculpture, 50 people, modern ceremony..
Trolly takes us from the heart sculpture to the
tera for our reception and hell a lot of scotch.
Why isn't he the one you drag into yoga and art shows?
Who said I never ask him first?
I like you.
- Is that a bad thing? - Yeah, it's a very bad thing.
I'm saying I have someone that I trust..
Someone that I've build a life with, and..
God, whatever this is, it's..
It's not gonna change that.
Yikes.. okay..
Okay, I'll see you.
- Ok, so you should probably stretch. - Yeah.
- Alright, enough. - Don't be such a pussy.
- Yeah, man. Don't be such a pussy. - Really, Scott?
No, Scotty's right.
Do you know how long I waited for you to actually fall for a girl?
And now you're just pouting around.
I'm not the one staying in a bad relationship. That's not on me.
When I met your grandmother, she was enagaged to an Italian.
And then you know what to do with her? I had to steal her.
I saved her. And when I die, I wanna be burried right on top of her.
That's pretty romantic.
And you.. You won't even fight for the girl you love.
Don't let the death of your mother haunts you for the rest of your live. Get on with it.
- That has nothing to do with this. - Look, love is like four way cane.
It matches your investment. You love a little, you get a little.
I think we need to tell him the story.
What story? Wait, you guys hang out without me?
I never had a grand dad, don't be selfish. Tell him.
It was 1943. I was in San Diego, I was in the Navy.
Then I saw her. Every men in the bar was lined up to talk to her.
But I didn't let that intimidate me.
Her eyes, sparkled.
Her lips were like two perfect red roses.
It was fate, and I couldn't deny fate.
Time stood still once when we dance, the music, the lights...
She felt like sunshine in my arms, she looked like a princess.
And I was her prince. It was magic.
Grand dad, this sounds like a Disney cartoon.
A Disney cartoon, you pussy?
This was a mans job, I ship out the next day.
And I never thought I'd see her again.
My dearest, I do not know if I'll ever see you again.
And as you know, I'm already engaged.
I'm sorry my love.
If we could be together, I would turn the world on its side.
But I'm to be wedd on the 3rd of January .
And at that exact moment, a fleet of U-boat blasted our ship.
Not even nazi can stand in the way of love.
I had to get back to her. I swam shark invested waters,
Scale off the sea cliff of Canada's Labrador coast.
Race across plains of dessert and burial ground.
It was the longest three days of my life.
Excuse you, what the hell you think you're doing?
That kiss changed everything.
And after that, the allies turn the tide of the war.
And we lived happily ever after.
- That's a beautiful story grand dad. - He's not your grand dad.
Women want to be faught over. They like to feel desired.
It seems like if she felt half of what I feel. She'd explode.
Well you fell all these things, but you're not
doing anything. Which makes him a what, Scotty?
- A pussy. - That's right.. You're a pussy.
- Hey, what's wrong with you? - Where that rock come from?
- Wait, who are you? - Some pussy just broke our window. - What're you doing down there?
- Hey, what's going on? - Sorry guys, I'm looking for her.
- Why? - Yeah, why?
I was just see if you want to do something.. with me.
- Like what? - Anything.
- What time is it. - 00:01.
- It's kinda late. - Yeah, it is kinda late.
Thanks. Thank you.
But is it too late?
So, what now?
I don't know.
I was kinda improvising back there. I didn't think you would've come with me.
So you don't do this all the time?
What'd you think? Given how smooth that was.
You spend a lot of time down here. Training to be a
long shoreman in case that charity circuit dries up?
Honestly, I don't think they're ready for this much man.
I did spend a lot of time down here though as a kid. My grand dad took me here a lot.
We walk up and down the docks, we pick a boat, pretend to own it.
Name it, and then list all the place you'd sail it to.
My grand dad was great at it too. He pick names like
"Helen Of Troy" or "The SS Excalibur"
Sail to all places like Sea of Cortez, Zanzibar,
- And what about you? - I was the captain of the SS He-Man.
And we head set a course for Castle Greyskull.
It would've been obvious when it came to charting aquaduct courses.
- You two must be close. - He pretty much raised me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You own one of this boats? Top place, where you going?
Oh gosh, I got to say Costa Rica.
Costa Rica, really. Why?
I don't know. I guess I've always just want to go there.
Exciting night life, culture everywhere, tropical fruits.
So, your top destination has...
Endless exotic fruits, place that never sleeps.
And a population that predominantly speaks spanish.
I can do this. I can do this right now.
Follow me.
Ha, very clever.
Life is to short, you know.
Wow, holding a grudge againts the captain?
I don't know what you supposed to do with the grudge.
- Do tell. - I'm kidding.
No you're not. There's totally a story there.
You really not gonna tell me?
Come on and help me find a birthday card.
"My dearest daughter,
may you live all the days of your life. Happy birthday."
"Christmas isn't in your heart,
You'll never find it under a tree. Happy birthday."
- This isn't a joke. - Who's birthday is it?
- Mine. - It's your birthday?
- As of 30 minutes ago. - Right now?
Yeah, right now.
Happy birthday.
What, no cash? You're cheap ass.
Isn't buying a birthday card for your self a little depressing?
Or should we get one of those cheer up ones?
It's not supossed to be from me, it's supossed to be from my dad.
When I was little, he died a couple days before my birthday.
- I'm sorry. What happened? - He killed him self.
Then, on my birthday, I got a card from him.
He'd sent it before he died, and he said...
that he was sorry and that he loved me.
Love a little messed up some times.
So now every year on my birthday, I...
picking a card that I think he would get me.
And I sign it from him.
And this might be it.
- No boobs, no bone? - Wasn't that kind of kiss.
It was emotional, but wasn't about sex.
I'm so cofused, I don't know how to translate what you've just said.
What did her tongue taste like.
What are you doing with your girl friend there?
Inflating her, this is my car pool asistant.
- Ow, really? Yeah, sure. - Do you wanna finish her up?
Stop! You're lucky I have two of this.
It's my view, that if you don't screw her soon. You're gonna screw it up for both of you.
You know what, you would both be better off, if you just forget about her.
I have a short story that excatly perfect for this moment right now.
Mallory do you wanna come and help me find it?
I don't know, I don't think anyone ever gone in your
van on purpose. So, I'm not gonna be the first.
What the F? Lyle, if you gonna move your house, you have to tell every body in our group.
Can we just stop calling it a house? Do you mind?
Sorry Scott, do you want to come in here and help me find something?
Its got a steering wheel...
- It can make turms, it can go different states.. - Careful.
License plate...
It's like I was saying. Sexual tension cloud a mans mind.
When the dick takes over. The brain shuts off.
It's writer 101. Woman wants romance, men wants climax.
One get orgasm, this guy got all his questions answered.
I'm sorry. Do men honestly think that sex is the answer to everything?
Yes, and it's also timed test short cut. Since the dawn of man.
If you can bang a girl, and forget about her. Then she's forgetable.
That's poetry.
Hey, just forget about her.
And 'Move On'
You can not forget about her.
He's already built her up as his misterious forbidden fruit.
So, unless he unravel some mistery, she'll haunt him until the end of time.
I've got a story about a serf.
The serf was in love with a maiden.
But he never told her. Until she married another.
The serf vow to forget her, and to never be slave to love again.
He became a cold bastard, he was unfulfilled, he was empty.
It had to be more. So he became a monk looking for the divine.
He ran to the ends of the earth, he was searching for the
spiritual fulfillment of the boundless and the everlasting.
After many years have passed, he'd finally clear his mind of all earthly thoughts...
and he open his mouth for the first word that pop into his mind.
It was...
Her name.
Gee, granpa. That was great.
Why don't you tell the story about the time you got drunk and try to finger me.
Ok, here it is. It's about this Rusian astronaut,
who fell in love with the mistress of the Tsar.
- Lyle, I'm telling a story. - Yeah, no. It's the same story.
Because he couldn't have the girl he love right.
So he ends up taking this space mission...
And he ends up floating off in space, alone without her, going crazy.
Are you done. Are you finish?
He'll probably ran out of oxygent at some point so that probably be the end.
Ok, well. The point of my story is..
You can't just forget about her,you have to answer the question.
Yeah, mine too. It's the same story. And then after that you suffocate out in space.
Same story.
Frogs are becoming exctinct through out the rain forest. But what's more interesting..
Never thought online dating was for me. Until I tried it. On a dare.
- I need to talk, are you busy? - No.
- This friending is gone off track. - It was the kiss, wasn't it?
It's everything. I've got such a huge pit in my stomach. I can't eat, I can't seep.
So, it was a good kiss?
That is irrelevant, ok. That shouldn't...
- We can't.. - I know, It's messing me up too.
- You think we should just have sex. Get it out of our system? - We are not having sex!
You're not offering solution, I just trying to be helpful.
Helpful to your self! How does you getting laid help me?
I support the other option. I can't just be friend.
I'm not getting a sex change. And I refuse to die out in space.
- How are those the only options? - I'm open to suggestions.
Well, I don't have any. It doesn't mean sex! The kiss was a mistake.
If this thing between us, if it's nothing, If it's just infactuation.
Maybe sex will cure it?
Stop it!
- So, what it will be? - Some cold turkey.
No, I don't want cold turkey.
I want a hot open face sandwich.
No, nothing hot.
I want something steamy.
- I want soup. - He'll have gazpacho.
- We don't do gazpacho. The menu is right there. - Okay, I'll pick.
- I want ice cream. - Something sweet? And a little bit bad for you.
- We're out of ice cream. - Of course you are.
- Can yo ubring us some whipcream and jelly? - What ever.
What do you have your sleeve, Copperfield?
You won that new condiment title?
- There you go. - Thank you.
- Think I'm getting excited now. - Voila!
- Ice cream. - wow.
My whole life I felt guilty after sex. Guilty for everything I said..
and done to get there.
But the thing I learn is when you actually care about the person, you don't feel guilty.
Welcome back Captain.
You know, I couldn't even eat this stuff until last night.
Look at me now.
I hope you don't think it mean something.
Of course it means something. I bet your ass it means something.
You feel it too, I can see it.
Yeah, I feel something that I told you last night. This can't happen.
Why, you can't say you don't feel differently now?
Yeah, but it always feels like this at first.
Like with my boy friend, and all the other guys before him. And eventualy it becomes..
Ordinary.
Ordinary? You think last night was ordinary?
No, I think last night was amazing. But that's not the point.
It was amazing, so what's the problem? Screw those guys, they're not me.
Yeah, but what about the next guy? Is that gonna be amazing?
The next guy? There's already a next guy?
No, the metaphor next guy. Now I gotta meet my boy friend for lunch.
- Your boy friend? You gonna tell him about us? - What? No!
I'm not gonna tell him about us. That I screw up?
Yeah, what's wrong with that? It's the truth. Do you want me to tell him?
No, I don't want you to tell him. I gotta go.
Fine, you know what.. I thought this was special. You're telling me it's ordinary.
I guess I was wrong. Enjoy all your next guys.
Sounds are you gonna give her more space. You're crowding her.
Shut up. You don't get to talk.
Your dude got a point.
What do you mean he has a point? You're the one
that told me sleeping with her was the only way.
No, I said that sleeping with her..
would give you the answer. I didn't know you're gonna loose it. Sort of acting needy.
I'm not needy. We had a connection.
Dude, you take a girl home for the first time and sleep with her..
and you wake up in the morning, and she's trying to
rearrange your life. How would you rect to that?
- You got to fix that. - Shit, I'm needy.
Hey, it's me.
- Truce lunch? - I didn't know we were at war.
Well I guess this is me waving the white flag.
I'm glad you called actually.
- You are? - I'm so sorry about the other morning.
- I completely panicked. - No, I'm sorry. It's completely me, I so out of line.
You freak out a little bit, and that made me freak out. And
the you freak out more, and everything just got you know..
Freaky.
I know. But maybe you were right about things.
About you being in something for the wrong reason..
or feeling differently about us? Or both?
Give me one good reason why you and I belong together?
I feel like the universe is pushing me into certain direction, and...
You know when your friends tells you story about their break up or pet died or whatever.
I do this thing where I imagine my self in the story..
I feel like I can't do it now without you in it with me.
- It's a sign. - It's not a sign.
- It is, trust me. - I do, that's what scares me.
- Hey, I knew that was you. - Shit, it's the last guy I need to see.
Where have you been? I haven't seen you in any monkeys diner.
- My schedule has been crazy. - I've been talking to the event coordinator..
But she said that she never even heard of you.
So I'm all "Screw that sister, he's on the board of directors."
Then she showed me her business card, she's on the board of directors.
Liars block. It's like writers block but for shit heads.
I'm not technicaly as involved in the charity scene as I may have led you to believe.
- What does that mean? - Well, charity events don't pay the bills.
I go when I can, I just don't go as often as I'd like to.
- Or claim to. - What do you do exactly?
- I'm a writer. - You're lying us the whole time?
No, don't think of it like that. Although it is technicaly accurate.
Africa? Rain forest frogs?
I wanna take your drink and throw it in your face.
- I did help with the frogs! - I shouldn't be here. I'm such an idiot.
- I really did, I met a frog scientist.. - I don't care..
about the frogs! Fuck the frogs!
You look like shit. What are you methic writing or something?
- I'm a fraud. - Don't go to a dark place.
Rom com was suppposed to be funny, remember?
It's not that hard, man. Check it out.
Boy meets girl, right. Shit happens, right.
Boy gril, "do it". Happily ever after.
It's not the way the world works, Bryan. It's a shit show.
And you didn't draw a hair on the girl. I don't know wich one is the dude.
Fine, I'll give you hair. What kind of hair you want?
You want a Beyonce look? You want like a Dolly Parton thing? Curve? You want a flat type/
No, you know what, that's perfect. That's what love is. This is simple thing in our brain.
And you try to put her in the world. And it gets desimated.
You can't even draw love on a napkin without it looking like..
two dudes '69' in it.
You're right, you can't put love on a paper.
You have a better chance of bleeding your heart
out through a paper cut, than through a pen.
What? Was that deep?
No, It's from another client's script. I don't think it's good. But every body wants it.
Bidding all day on it. Because he finish the script.
Rom coms aren't true. They're what we wish were true.
And right now, what I wish was true, is that you had meet your damn deadline.
And I really wish we weren't having this conversation.
So what I'm seeing is..
you're distracted, you can't write.
Can't meet your deadline because of a girl.
So lets get a new girl!
How about that?
Distraction from your distraction?
Lets head over to this party I was gonna go to.
I don't know if my hearts into it Bryan.
Fuck your heart man. I'm talking about champagne and blow jobs.
Lets go meet some girls, lets roll 'em up. Lets glaze them like donuts.
Cross my heart, I'll tell the guy to get out of my house. He leaves a book on the table.
I make the call two weeks later, "Hunger Games".
Hey man, tequila.
What am I doing here. The girl I love is probably screwing some other guy right now.
Probably sweat staining the sheet with pleasure.
Corny new words with orgasm after orgasm.
God know that what I'd be doing.
Hey man, I think I'm gonna take off.
- You didn't find the distracttion? - No.
I honestly don't know what I felt. But it was kinda like my heart was drowning.
Maybe she's not the one. Maybe my body...
my instict, the whole universe was just liying to me.
I don't even know what make senses anymore.
Come on man, please open up. Just talk to me for a second.
Some times when I'm searching for porn to masturbate to,
If I'm looking for girls that are like the girls that I'm seeing, that's a good sign.
So, ask your self.
If you do that. I gotta go man. I'm in the middle of something.
Lyle, that's not advice.
Come on, man. Give me like five minutes. Be a friend.
You've got to go to her, tell her how you feel.
She knows how I feel.
- But did you tell her you love her? - I don't think she believes in love.
- To be honest, I don't know if I do. - Doesn't matter, as long as you feel it.
Look, I have needs. And you're blocking those needs right now.
Go talk to Mallory, she'll love your voice.
Thank you.
She won't return any of my call, she's ignoring my text.
Why are girls so crazy?
Man makes us crazy.
You know what I mean though, you with this crazy person and make you crazy.
You just wanna shake them and show them what you see.
- Yeah, I've been there. - How'd you handle it?
Me? I didn't do anything.
Nothing? You must've done something. How strong were your feeling?
- Pretty strong. - The guy from the play?
No, he's too needy. Some other guy.
If you had to back and do it all over again, would you tell him what you felt?
- I don't know. It might hurt. - Yeah, but doesn't this hurt?
- What if he felt the same way? - I love you.
- Shit! - I love you.
I should've told you. I thought you knew.
And that's why I never told you.
- Where's our script bitch? - Yeah, where's our script?
I'm gonna slit your throath and penetrate your mind.
- Halo? - I need to tell you something.
- I'm engaged. - What!
I've been a total mess, and I'm sorry. It's been all my fault.
- I projected all of my fears onto you. - Why would you do this?
Because he's the one steady thing in my live. It's time.
It's time? That's your reason? You don't love this guy.
What are you doing? Stop it!
This is a mistake.
I know you don't see it right now. But I promise you, you'll regret it.
- I love you. - Are you out of your mind?
- Oh my God. You better find my godamn ring. - I'll buy you another ring.
Alright, move. I'll find your ring.
Maybe if it were bigger, it'd be easier to find.
- Oh really? Do you hear that a lot? - Here!
- Why do you have to complicate everything? - Me?!
You called me! Why don't you just text!
I don't want you to marry this guy.
Why him? Why now? Give me one good reason.
- It makes sense. What do you want to hear? - That you love him.
You wanna hear that I love you.
I can't give you that.
I wanna put my face in a barb wire.
- I wanna jump in front of magnet train. - No, you don't.
Maybe you're pitying your self too much here?
Pitying is not pity.
- I'm hurt. - Okay.
But what about her?
You put her in a pretty tough spot here.
She's marrying a guy she doesn't love. She put her self in that spot.
You wanna after a girl that has a boy friend.
You kinda brought that on your self.
If you really love her, maybe you should let her go.
Who's side are you on?
I'm on love side.
Scott, tell me some romanticised metaphore right now.
- Okay, just trying to help. - Really?
And where'd you gain this amazing insight into love?
You've been in love with a guy from a book store..
for two years. You haven't done shit. At least I tried, I put my self out there.
Vince is obviously straight, no gay man thinks that...
Terminator is the most romantic movie of all time.
Plus, I did the whole Ghost ditto liying thing on him.
Nothing. So I think it's pretty safe to say if he's gay he'd be all over this.
You're liying to your self. You run around leaving this romance book for people to find.
But that doesn't make you an expert on love.
That book is my art.
I bet not one person who found it, ever read it.
Wait a second, you never read it? You told me you've read it.
Don't make your Scott face. If is that important to you, I'll read it.
If it's that important to me?
I got pink eye from a charity down cake. For you.
- Write it. - Oh my God. You're so self absorb!
That book change my live. It inspired me to write.
- To except my self. Jesus! - Come on, man. Don't do this.
I've seen you run through with Mallory.
I've seen you dismiss Lyle, you barely visit your grand dad.
The entire time I thought I was exempt. For some reason I thought I was the exception.
Really? You wanna go there over a book?
What's the name of the book?
"Eternal Love in Lepracy". I'm kidding, it's a..
- "Loving The Time Of Cholera". - "Love IN The Time Of Cholera"!
- 90%. - Well Mr. Screen writer..
I am just so glad that I'm not in the movie of your life.
- What's that supossed to mean? - You're the lead, right? You're the star.
But it'll never be a great romance. Do you wanna know why?
It's only about one person.
You didn't write the book!
Hey.. It's me..
Jesus! Did you just throw a rock at me?
Heads up! Sorry.
You can't marry him.
You want logic, I'll give you logic.
One, you don't love him.
Jesus, do not do this.
The sex is better with me.
I know, I have first hand experience.
- Who is it? / No one. - It's not no one.
I'm THE one! Third, he hates hearts.
He hates museum hearts.
He's gonna hate San Fransisco heart.
He hates my heart, because my heart smokes.
- What's going on out here? - Oh God, look at him!
- Your kids are gonna look like that? - You want me to call the cops?
- No, just go inside. He's drunk. - Call them, bitch. Call the cops.
- I swear to God, I'm gonna... - Do what? Stand up there and talk me to death?
Come down here and stuff my balls in your mouth.
Third, I love you.
There's no one else, I know.
I've looked..
You've got a problem, hunk?
You try to harras me and my fiance.
She doesn't love you man.
Let me show you what happen when you're drunk.
Beat his ass!
yeaaaah!
Unfortunately, this is what actually happen.
She doesn't love you man.
What is wrong with you?
He ask me to move in with him.
We're gonna loup in Desember.
- You hate me. - I don't hate you.
And I not hate you.
Scott, I know I owe you an apology, but...
I can't talk right now. I had a really rough night.
If there's one universal law, beyond relativity, and string theory and M theory.
It's this.
Things can always get worst.
Your grand dad died. I'm sorry.
So death comes as a reminder.
It grab us and shakes us. Opens our eyes.
And our focus is changed.
Shifted, revised.
To the finder of this book. This book change my life.
So I wanted to share it with you.
I'm gonna tell you this one from my point of view.
So you can put your self in there.
So the story goes..
A guy falls in love with a girl. The second he meets her.
But it takes them a life time to finally get together.
When they do, they end up on a boat.
And they realise, the only way they can stay together is to never go shore.
So they raise the yellow cholera flags, so no port will take them.
And they drift out to sea. Until the end.
And it makes you realise, there are people in your live so important..
That they dwarf everything else.
And it's up to you to figure out who they are.
If you had to give up everything else and spend the rest of your days on a boat..
Who are the must haves? The one you can't live without.
Figure out your own list.
And then do everything you can, to let them know how much they mean to you.
I hope it's not too late for me.
Ok, first thing first.
Split personality rom com. Lets do it.
Just because I wear a badge, doesn't mean I can't feel.
It's too late, he's arrange you into the friendzone.
It's useless. She can never love us.
Did you just say that because we're crazy?
He's no different than us.
Everyone has all this superfacial hide behind.
Love is just as crazy, it changes everything.
It can be like a red rose or a machete.
It's like what they say. Love is many splintered thing.
It's not splintered..
It's love is many splendered thing.
- Splintered sounds painful. - It's that too.
Yeah... It's that too?
I don't really know what's happening here.
I just finish the screen play. It's very emotional.
Alright, time to celebrate.
- Scott and I have made up. - Congratulations, man.
I got you something. "100 years of Solitude"
Don't read too deeply into the title, I'm pretty
sure there's only a small chance in the dialogue.
That's the good thing about being a writer, right?
You get to choose your own ending.
Mallory had finally given her friend date a real shot.
Aw, you guys are cute.
Hallo.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Get out of here, I'm busy.
Ok, we're good.
Samson and Lyle were... Samson dan Lyle.
- Congratulations. - Thank you for coming.
Bryan was the lates to catch his commision.
Congratulation, great work. Not a momen too soon.
Because they push the start date up for the action movie two weeks. That deserve a drink.
- I watched Terminator again. - Oh yeah?
And you're right. I'm sorry.
It's actually wierdly romantic film.
Cheers.... So?
I wanted to personally come down and give you, a first class ticket to..
Six weeks of first class Malaysian pussy.
Some times I can't get.. stuck in my head in a certain way..
I can miss all the other ways they can be.
Ditto.
No? Don't open it, I'll get more money.
Even with my boat pretty full..
There's still something missing.
Time to write my own ending.
I've got a wedding to stop.
All those 5 Ks I ran finally paid off.
Seeing I have to out run this cliche.
Hey, don't you have a bunch of heart sculpture some where?
Yeah, buddy. We have had.
- Great, take me there. - Which one? / All of them.
- Are you craz yor something? - 'Something'
- Sorry guys this cab is taken. - Yes, we know.
- Gabriel told us what you are doing. - We want to see all the hearts too.
And now she's the only thing I think about. And I can't get her out of my head.
Sounds like she does love you.
That's what.. I like you guys.
Excuse me. Do you happen to see a wedding here earlier. With a girl that was like perfect?
I see what you want me to see for $ 50.
Okay, lets go guys!
Wait, are you gonna bust up some dude wedding? Hell yeah!
Some times when you're chasing love, it feels like the whole world is on your side.
We are gathered here today to celebrate a mass.
If there's any one here who object of this union,
let them speak now or forever hold their piece.
- That's the last one, at the end of the pier. - She's gotta be there.
Even my imagination took a kick to the balls.
- Gabriel what's that big arrow? - That's cupid's bowl.
Why don't we go there?
You spesificaly said heart sculpture. That my friend is not a heart.
But those shot hearts. Lets go!
Hi.
- What are you doing here? - I came to stop you.
- Oh, then you're a little late. - Yes, I can see that.
You know there's like a hundred of this heart statue.
I wrote a whole speech on the plane. It's gonna make a big scene.
Yeah, well you need to work on your timing.
Did you marry him?
No. I was standing there looking at him.
And it just felt wrong.
- For both of us. - Maybe that's a sign.
This is serious. And you shouldn't be here.
I know you're up set with me. But I feel like...
We met each other at the very strange point of our live.
I think you were in the wrong relationship, I couldn't sustain one if I had to.
But I fell..
Something strong, I feel different.
And I think we deserve to find out what that is.
We deserve to be as far away from each other as possible.
- Wait, why? - Look at us!
You lie about saving frogs..
and cleaning third world drinking water.
And I cheat on boy friend. That's who we are.
We're both disaster. Neither of us deserve love.
Then we're perfect for each other.
We're flawed, we're a shit show.
We're two people full of flaws.
That's your pitch?
Damn dude, that shit ain't working.
Look, love is fucked up.
It's confusing, and it's terifying, and it's painful, it sucks.
But I'm looking at you right now.
I wanna risk it.
I know it could be a mistake. I know we could make each other miserable.
But if we have even the slightest chance to be in that one time..
I'm willing to regret you for the rest of my life.
I hate you.
- I love you too. - I really hate you.
Everybody has their own ideas about love.
They have their philosophie, and facts, and rules
of how it works, and what you're supossed to do.
But none of that shit matters. Because love isn't a thinking thing. It's a feeling thing.
And this is what it felt like for me.
Live your own story. And don't worry, I promise I won't put my self in it.
English sub by ears - OASHOU -